untitled

it's been a while that i lost track here..
and maybe i don't feel to share anymore..
i will just find someone right when i feel bad..
so it seems like it's not necessary to write here one more time..
just simply don't feel to do anything right now, so have decided to 'blog' a bit about my own feeling..
my midterm just started yesterday,
and my first paper, just ruined the rest of my day..
and today, again, ruined the rest of my exam, i guess..
it's not about spending less or more time then i can score..
even u give me more time to study i can't solve also..
so disappointed with myself alr..
now finally i know when u worked hard for something n u expect u can get it but u couldn't actually..
nevermind..
i'm just a bit emo here and i'm sure i will be better tomorrow..
sometimes gotta speak out to get some comfort or sympathy from others..
guess that would be better..
i know i ruined it..
and i feel like ruining the other subjects alr..
that's why im blogging here n didnt do anything tonight though i still got 3 more days of exam..
i have to admit, i'm not clever enough..
i know that always..
but don't worry, i will get up quickly and keep on fighting and live a meaningful life that i never did..
but just let me lost control tonight n forget about everything..
maybe i shouldn't care too much..

and seriously missing home..
when i go through 2 or 3 months here i will automatically miss home..
and it becomes more n more frequent when time goes..
and after few months here n only 1 month at home,
seriously all i can remember what i had gone through is all about what i did in hometown..
i just don't enjoy here no matter what events i have here..
unless there's something i really really really like..
but it's so so so rare here..
though,
im so glad that i got support from my friends..
i know they r always there to back me up and when i feel i am all alone here,
they make me to crack a smile n tell myself,
it's alright, cause i still got them behind me..
ya after 5 days i want to enjoy life to the fullest..
to figure out my own direction..
so, stand with me..

random

there's something..
am thinking y people will only find u when they need u..
either they need your help or need to ask u something..
just weird.. though i am like that too to some people..
is it how the system works?
feel slightly sad about the fact..
just slightly..
but it seems if u don't have 'something',
u got nothing to talk with your friends..
and even your best friends are doing so..
and ya, who don't?
quite ambiguous that somehow it's how the system works..
and yet you doubt that..
it's like you doubt that why we are boys/girls..
like kinda unnecessary..
just don't know how to express..
whatever la..

was told about a girl, who i salute so much and jealous so much..
though i don't know her..
she's damn clever, damn successful, damn rich who her parents manage to earn 50k per month, damn mature n pretty..
it's like she's perfect..
i can't believe when i heard about that..
nothing special but to share someone like her, really exists..
and she's only 19, but she had alr achieved what v r hoping for for our whole life..
it's unbelievable!!

let's talk something else..
i really hate working with or being ordered by someone i don't really like..
it sounds like he/she knows damn a lot of things and in charge of everything..
i am like 'wth=='..
but don't really care alr..
anything u like..
cause i rather to live in my own way..
just don't try to alter me with yours..
always feel more comfortable of being able to deal with my life with my own way..
though, recently i have been trying to get closer and talk more to others..
friends and seniors..
trying to think in positive ways and trying to be nice to others..
the 'others' that i mean is those i think they are nice and i feel good to be with..
those who r not, i don't care..
and i'm fine with that...
so life just goes on..

i don't know how...

stop being the stupid one pls....

homesick

gonna be a week since i came back here in japan...
yet, i still can't get used to the life here...
and really did go through an extremely difficult time here..
as when i first came back here,
all the memories just kept spinning in my mind,
and i don't understand why i am here..
why i need to go through life here..
why i was so stupid to wanting to study overseas so damn much..
and in fact, i was not 'designed' to study in a place so far away from home..
i don't know since when,
i became so fragile..
i used to give people impressions that i'm strong..
i can stand through hard times..
i won't be so pessimistic that i've got all negative thinking in my mind..
and ya, i'm not..
i am a mummy girl and i want to stick with my family all the times..
i know everyone does...
and as u know,
it's been too far away here..
i miss home and it's not like last time..
that i knew i was going back home after 1 or 2 weeks..
or i could just call my friends or text them whenever i feel bad..
it's totally different here..
when u feel to go home so much,
and u know u r so far away,
and u realize that how long you've gotta wait to go home..
and how much things u must have gone through before you can go home..
it feels so damn bad..
i actually don't know how to describe it..
and i'm tired of..
but i know i got no right to ask for so much..
though,
i can't help it..
i only want to say,
i miss home every seconds i breathe here=(

just stop it..

无题

来这边已有两个月多了，
忘了自己这两个月来过了怎样的日子，
没有很苦，也不算很甜。
不懂要怎么说，
只觉得自己沉淀下来思考的时间少了，
以前总是有的没的都想，
但其实那些时间让我觉得我还是有自己的灵魂的。
不是说现在没有，
只是有点空虚。
讲了一大堆废话，
其实真正想说的是，
我觉得大家的距离远了。
除了physical以外，我比较注重spiritual。
刚刚看了阿蕉的部落格，
想起以前一直互相分享，
都现在大家变得怎样都不知道。
觉得有点感慨。
以前就算没在一起读书，
也会一起去玩，吃，
现在的我，
只能看着你们一次次的聚会，
幸福的合照里，
却没有我的身影，
除了一起分享你们的喜悦外，
我还能做些什么。
短短一个月的假期，
希望和你们再次重温那份温馨，
但我知道那段时间，
大部分的你们都很可能不能抽出时间来，
也可能是不想抽出时间来，
就只能安慰自己大家都太忙了，
不能强人所难，
但我能了解。

接下来的一个月可能会过得比较充实，
虽然是蛮累的。
但想到一个月后又能和你们再会了，
一切都不算什么了。
这一刻，
是属于你们的...