Greatest gratitude

untitled

2011-12-02T04:18:00.000-08:00

it's been a while that i lost track here..
and maybe i don't feel to share anymore..
i will just find someone right when i feel bad..
so it seems like it's not necessary to write here one more time..
just simply don't feel to do anything right now, so have decided to 'blog' a bit about my own feeling..
my midterm just started yesterday,
and my first paper, just ruined the rest of my day..
and today, again, ruined the rest of my exam, i guess..
it's not about spending less or more time then i can score..
even u give me more time to study i can't solve also..
so disappointed with myself alr..
now finally i know when u worked hard for something n u expect u can get it but u couldn't actually..
nevermind..
i'm just a bit emo here and i'm sure i will be better tomorrow..
sometimes gotta speak out to get some comfort or sympathy from others..
guess that would be better..
i know i ruined it..
and i feel like ruining the other subjects alr..
that's why im blogging here n didnt do anything tonight though i still got 3 more days of exam..
i have to admit, i'm not clever enough..
i know that always..
but don't worry, i will get up quickly and keep on fighting and live a meaningful life that i never did..
but just let me lost control tonight n forget about everything..
maybe i shouldn't care too much..

and seriously missing home..
when i go through 2 or 3 months here i will automatically miss home..
and it becomes more n more frequent when time goes..
and after few months here n only 1 month at home,
seriously all i can remember what i had gone through is all about what i did in hometown..
i just don't enjoy here no matter what events i have here..
unless there's something i really really really like..
but it's so so so rare here..
though,
im so glad that i got support from my friends..
i know they r always there to back me up and when i feel i am all alone here,
they make me to crack a smile n tell myself,
it's alright, cause i still got them behind me..
ya after 5 days i want to enjoy life to the fullest..
to figure out my own direction..
so, stand with me..

random

2011-10-19T07:29:00.000-07:00

there's something..
am thinking y people will only find u when they need u..
either they need your help or need to ask u something..
just weird.. though i am like that too to some people..
is it how the system works?
feel slightly sad about the fact..
just slightly..
but it seems if u don't have 'something',
u got nothing to talk with your friends..
and even your best friends are doing so..
and ya, who don't?
quite ambiguous that somehow it's how the system works..
and yet you doubt that..
it's like you doubt that why we are boys/girls..
like kinda unnecessary..
just don't know how to express..
whatever la..

was told about a girl, who i salute so much and jealous so much..
though i don't know her..
she's damn clever, damn successful, damn rich who her parents manage to earn 50k per month, damn mature n pretty..
it's like she's perfect..
i can't believe when i heard about that..
nothing special but to share someone like her, really exists..
and she's only 19, but she had alr achieved what v r hoping for for our whole life..
it's unbelievable!!

let's talk something else..
i really hate working with or being ordered by someone i don't really like..
it sounds like he/she knows damn a lot of things and in charge of everything..
i am like 'wth=='..
but don't really care alr..
anything u like..
cause i rather to live in my own way..
just don't try to alter me with yours..
always feel more comfortable of being able to deal with my life with my own way..
though, recently i have been trying to get closer and talk more to others..
friends and seniors..
trying to think in positive ways and trying to be nice to others..
the 'others' that i mean is those i think they are nice and i feel good to be with..
those who r not, i don't care..
and i'm fine with that...
so life just goes on..

2011-09-29T09:18:00.001-07:00

i don't know how...

2011-09-17T18:57:00.001-07:00

stop being the stupid one pls....

homesick

2011-09-07T03:58:00.000-07:00

gonna be a week since i came back here in japan...
yet, i still can't get used to the life here...
and really did go through an extremely difficult time here..
as when i first came back here,
all the memories just kept spinning in my mind,
and i don't understand why i am here..
why i need to go through life here..
why i was so stupid to wanting to study overseas so damn much..
and in fact, i was not 'designed' to study in a place so far away from home..
i don't know since when,
i became so fragile..
i used to give people impressions that i'm strong..
i can stand through hard times..
i won't be so pessimistic that i've got all negative thinking in my mind..
and ya, i'm not..
i am a mummy girl and i want to stick with my family all the times..
i know everyone does...
and as u know,
it's been too far away here..
i miss home and it's not like last time..
that i knew i was going back home after 1 or 2 weeks..
or i could just call my friends or text them whenever i feel bad..
it's totally different here..
when u feel to go home so much,
and u know u r so far away,
and u realize that how long you've gotta wait to go home..
and how much things u must have gone through before you can go home..
it feels so damn bad..
i actually don't know how to describe it..
and i'm tired of..
but i know i got no right to ask for so much..
though,
i can't help it..
i only want to say,
i miss home every seconds i breathe here=(

2011-08-26T01:47:00.001-07:00

just stop it..

无题

2011-06-25T21:40:00.000-07:00

来这边已有两个月多了，
忘了自己这两个月来过了怎样的日子，
没有很苦，也不算很甜。
不懂要怎么说，
只觉得自己沉淀下来思考的时间少了，
以前总是有的没的都想，
但其实那些时间让我觉得我还是有自己的灵魂的。
不是说现在没有，
只是有点空虚。
讲了一大堆废话，
其实真正想说的是，
我觉得大家的距离远了。
除了physical以外，我比较注重spiritual。
刚刚看了阿蕉的部落格，
想起以前一直互相分享，
都现在大家变得怎样都不知道。
觉得有点感慨。
以前就算没在一起读书，
也会一起去玩，吃，
现在的我，
只能看着你们一次次的聚会，
幸福的合照里，
却没有我的身影，
除了一起分享你们的喜悦外，
我还能做些什么。
短短一个月的假期，
希望和你们再次重温那份温馨，
但我知道那段时间，
大部分的你们都很可能不能抽出时间来，
也可能是不想抽出时间来，
就只能安慰自己大家都太忙了，
不能强人所难，
但我能了解。

接下来的一个月可能会过得比较充实，
虽然是蛮累的。
但想到一个月后又能和你们再会了，
一切都不算什么了。
这一刻，
是属于你们的...

whatever la~~

2011-05-22T05:11:00.000-07:00

ya..
it's time again to share..
few days before my birthday,
i was just very down n down n down,
without knowing what's going on..
whatever,
it's just over..
and about my birthday,
it's like what u guys saw in facebook..
had a quite surprising birthday..
feel grateful..

two weeks more till my mid-term..
and i just lazy lazy..
and the fact is i got lots to cover..
means i got lots that i don't understand..
u might not believe that i sleep, fb, texting, online by my phone in my class..
it's just too boring..
especially when i don't understand what teachers say,
feel that it's better that i study my own rather than listening..
but see, i don't really study on my own like i thought..
just too damn lazy..
and just finished the freaking report,
which i understand nothing..
that i gotta search online and study my own..
and i hate experiments..
cause i seem useless..
i don't understand what teachers say,
don't understand what i gotta do for the experiment..
and i hate pj too..
u know their pj really crazy..
they got a specific sports for u..
and they will teach u the technic to play,
after that will have a small match..
and the end of all got a test to test your skills..
what the f.....
don't really understand why they take everything serious like hell..
and follow the rules like there's no turning points..
even club activities they have it everyday after school and sat also..
and they join for nothing, just simply it's training and they gotta go, to improve their skills..
not like us in malaysia, v join for marks..
they are not...
u tell me what kind of people they are..

ok stop it..
i'm gonna complain something about the drama i have been watching recently..
'dim gai ah sir hei ah sir'..
really feel frustrated when i watch it lo..
what a ridiculous point that it's ok to cheat a girl, to steal a girl's heart just because u have some responsibilities which seem more important..
really don't like this storyline..
i don't believe there r no other ways except cheating a girl..
so pitiful lo got cheated by someone she really loves..
and not only once..
pity pity..
sorry gotta complain here..
cause got no one to talk with me about that here..
so so..
hope u guys understand la..

that's all for today..
take care~~

life recently

2011-05-07T00:23:00.000-07:00

it's been long again..
it's time to share my life recently..
let's talk about my tokyo trip..
frankly i won't go for the second time purposely to place like that..
maybe because this time was kinda suck for me..
feeling everything during the journey..
everything..
see clearly about human beings..
learn that v should really have a good plan before deciding to do something..
i think more or less, this journey helped me to grow..
not to say no fun at all,
but bad things were more than happy one..
ya i got to see many things,
went to many places,
but that might not be as good as u see..
like u guys say, 读万卷书不如行万里路..
em, actually i still haven't feel anything about every journeys i went through..
maybe still not enough for me to feel anything..
same quote, it's depend on who u going with but not where u go..
ok..
let's share other things..
ya guys, i've booked my ticket..
will be in menglembu for the whole august..
really can't wait to go back..
i got no strength at all here..
no mood at all to study..
no mood at all to do anything..
ya if u ask me which life is better,
life in shah alam or life here..
i will tell u life in shah alam for sure..
people won't know what their roads look like unless they try..
and ya they tried,
and most of them think life before is better..
that's us,
human beings..
ya i'm just the same..
but what to do..
i'm here..
and i know clearly now that i lack of vision now..
vision of my future..
in other words,
i don't know what i want to be in the future..
i don't have much passion in engineering frankly..
and ya i don't have much passion in getting high high position in a big company..
all i want is a simple life and meanwhile,
i can help those who needs..
u see that r so many unknowns in the future..
u get blur when u look farther n farther..
read a book,
states that u will know your future clearly if u have confidence,
confidence to pursue your dreams,
confidence to do what u think it's right..
ya friends,
i know right now i need to figure it out..
to figure out what life i want here, and in the future,
for those who suffer in their life now,
i guess it's the same thing v r facing..
let's work it out..
to find our future..
and one last time,
i will be in menglembu the whole august..
feel free to date me..
im gonna eat everything in ipoh and menglembu..
so don't stop me from eating tat time..
see u guys!!

update

2011-04-22T04:02:00.000-07:00

hey guys..
it's been a long time isn't it???
time to update my status here..
hmm, i can adapt the life here gradually..
except the coldness pls..
so guys, don't worry..
maybe it's still the beginning so my lessons still not tat difficult la..
when it's turning difficult i come to complain here again ya..
hmm..
i join table tennis club here..
japanese really training like hell..
like going olympic..
mostly all having practice everyday after class, till 7pm..
i wonder they have time for exam, homework all that..
btw, i still join the club la..
don't want my life just about studies..
and they are damn hebat..
what should i say..
feel so ashamed to play with them..
but they really 'look' like so good and treat me good lo..
cause i first get into the club and considered as the newbie ma..
but don't know what they really think la..
cause u know,
japanese memang keep things in heart to show their courtesy..
so difficult to guess them..

and today i chatted quite long with one of my girl classmates..
quite fun la..
cause she is the fun type..
and i just tease her and play with her la..
not bad..
though i can't really speak well la..
but all seem nice la..
seem~~~

and the coming weeks is what im most anticipating..
cause quite a lot of activities la..
this sun, im going to watch the table tennis competition with seniors there..
not really feel to go la..
weekend ma.. lazy wei..
but go social lo.. and go see see how hebat they r..
they coming fri will be beginning of my one week holidays..
they call it golden week..
will go tokyo and travel around there..
then 14th of may will go kyoto.. trip..
school sponsor gua i think..
cause memang got trip for foreigners studying here..
then 15th will go eat together with my classmates..
all of them..
i wonder why they will have such event to eat altogether a..
haha..
then the end of my happiness..
exam will come in june i think..
after that july summer gua..
then got swimming class..
terrible part!!
most terrible..
but i guess it's fun too la..
new experiment..
haha..
em then will be summer break..
not sure whether to go back..
gotta see see first..
but sure will travel around japan..
em..
it's that far i can think of..
seem interesting right??
i hope so~~~
kk..
sharing session over..
take care guys..

feeling

2011-04-15T02:24:00.000-07:00

hey guys.. here it comes my longing friday.. it's the only thing i can hope in life here.. what can i do.. i just miss home so much.. wanna go back.. but u see, it's only a week here and i feel this way.. isn't it too bad?? and im wondering whether to go back this summer break.. which is around august.. and if u ask me last time sure i will tel u i would rather use the money to travel around.. but if u ask me now, i will definitely tel u tat i would rather go back and enjoy moments with my family and friends.. even though it's only simple places like pasar, pasar malam, menglembu restaurants.. u think im so 短视 is it?? ya i think like that too.. so what, i just want to spend more time with the one i love and those who love me when v all still have the chance.. i don't care if i become someone successful or rich or whatsoever.. actually i don't think i can be like those really really successful person.. and i don't really know it's because of my cowardice or i don't really like to be like tat.. so pls forgive me for being so coward.. and all i want is to stick with who i feel to.. whenever i can..

first post in japan

2011-04-12T16:14:00.001-07:00

wow.. really long time i didnt write here.. as i think tat it will be enough to write in facebook.. and yeah, let's share some of my life here.. today is the third day of my school.. and for the first and second day, i think it's not bad.. i have a tutor who is quite nice and takes good care of me.. though mostly r guys in my class.. but to my surprise, they took initiative to know me when i first went to class.. which is totally different from wat i thought.. and i think the only problem here is the weather and their language.. i mean though they still speak japanese.. but their japanese is so damn fast and different dialect from wat i've learnt, which made me cant catch their words most of the time.. and these two days only start those revision so i still don't know how hard the subjects will be.. and the teachers too, speak too fast that i cant understand AT ALL!!! then my mind blank out and im almost fell asleep.. isnt tat funny?? and another thing, v gotta report ourselves in a room at 1020pm here.. and i can tel u tat the last 2 days, i don't know it's because of the coldness here or my laziness.. i slept about 9, and when it's time to report myself, my senior came to knock my door and i was late for tat.. and she tegur me for not having next time.. bless me, tonight i don't want to sleep tat early too.. though it's damn comfortable to hide inside the warm blanket in the cold night.. i just gotta start my studies to catch up and be 'normal' again in my life.. u see, i can't catch wat teachers say in class and if i don't read my own, i'll get nothing.. wake up pls!!! and though i only came here for 4 or 5 days i think, it feels long enough to be here.. i wonder wat's the next time i can be with my friends and family under the sunshine.. and i do really feel warm from all your care and love.. i mean it.. i really really don't understand how i got the luck to have such friends and family.. ok i should take all these as my luck then only i'll appreciate it.. i know u guys there, will be blessing me.. me too, all the best and take care guys~~~

life

2011-03-23T06:47:00.000-07:00

life recently seems bit meaningless..
with the sudden call from jpa that my flight is delayed till the end of april..
organizing trip to malacca..
kinda disappointed that friends can't join..
and i really wish a lot that we can share maybe the last memories together..
when we are still in good friendship..
and i used to appreciate friends who still care before..
i do..
maybe i'm just too free recently..
and yeah,
i really feel grateful to those who can still join..
i know they go because of me..
even those who i don't really have strong feeling to,
care..
just don't understand..
don't understand..
maybe i should get one more spec..
to make sure who's good to me..
shouldn't really be that stubborn..
it's time to wake up..

2011-03-06T05:53:00.000-08:00

just felt fucking bad just now..
keep on waiting..
really hate waiting for no purpose..
NO PURPOSE!!!
whatever!!!

n u guys know im going to japan..
but i don't need any promotion..
like my parents..
i know they might be proud of me..
but i really hate the feeling when they tell others im going to japan..
fed up with the word 'japan'..
feel to vomit when the word 'japan' flows into my ears..
wtf!!!

2011-01-31T08:23:00.000-08:00

it's time to have a little emo moment..
i said a little means really a little..
just because i saw something, think something..
friends are busy meeting their old friends once they go back to their hometown..
and me,
i'm different..
i stay at home and lock myself..
or maybe not..
people seldom ask me out..
oh gosh..
really hate the feeling now..
i mean now..
with nobody chatting with me..
i don't know where have they gone,
but they just gone..

actually i don't really go out with friends..
but i know i will enjoy the time with them..
but i just don't like to go..
isn't that weird..
i'm so damn lazy to move..
to predict what's going to happen..
to feel different from them..
so i rather stay home..
do things that i like..
so,
that's y i'm a nut...

joy

2011-01-23T05:49:00.000-08:00

ok.. going to talk about the few days i have gone through..
just spend a really great weekend..
bbq, karaoke, movie, and spend time with a really great family..

about the bbq night,
not really high,
just know i had really eaten a lot, a lot and a lot,
spend the terrible night because i slept on a yoga mat, under a fast moving ceiling fan..
damn cold the whole night and i think i didnt even sleep for more than 3 hours..

and then the next day,
went for karaoke,
not really high too..
so sad that everything it's about karaoke,
i will think about u guys,
v have great singers like chew, kwan and bao,
and v get high and sing those stupid old old songs..
v enjoy it..
and how long it have been i didnt spend time with u guys in the k room..
hoping too much..
i know though u hope something so much,
and when u really get it,
it's not tat happy as u think u might..
so just let it be..
after that went for the ghost movie..
the japan made one..
don't ever go for it pls..
lame and not terrible at all..
even i watched 3D..
not much effect..
and i spend the night at my friend, mei shen's house..
actually i did feel really really damn bad at that night..
cause nothing i can do there..
damn boring..
i didnt bring laptop,
and didnt feel to watch tv,
and my 2 friends just busy fb-ing that time..
nobody is there for me that time..
and the worst thing is,
u feel so much to talk with someone,
and u send the message,
and nobody replies u..
the feeling really sucks..
first time i ever felt that way,
and that's what really called 'waste time'..
when u do nothing, think nothing, and u r nothing..

and today, after breakfast,
made biscuits with mei shen's family..
feel really sweet..
cause when i was with them,
im just like part of it and i miss my family so much..
the things v did just remind me the time i spend with my family last time..
it's really a sweet family..
i don't know what else i can say to show my appreciation..
but deep inside my heart..
i really feel so blessed that i get to spend time with them..

and i wanna share with u guys about my friend, mei shen..
the one who provided us both accomodation and transport..
really a damn nice friend..
someone who cares so much for friends,
who doesn't care how much she sacrifices for friends,
as long as her friends are happy,
someone who won't think as much as us,
(by that way, she won't think human beings is so complicated, which v do, and think bad about them, she won't think about how bad the person is, only how good the person is)
she is so naive that u can't imagine that in this world, there's still a person like her though in the age of 20.. at least not that i have met..
really wonder how come i could meet a friend like her..
just thanks god..

suddenly realize that it's another leaving, another parting with friends here..
though i don't really feel much about friends here..
i did, indeed, had great times here..
and now we are all going to go to different places..
and sad to say that, the one who goes to the same place as me,
is the one i will never count on..
facing too much of these kinds of problems..
i just wanna get out of them..
i know that's all my guessing..
i really think too much..

fed up!!

2011-01-18T18:00:00.001-08:00

pls don't think that you are capable of anything and do what i'm supposed to be, or i'm asked to be.. i hate being that with you.. fed up..

random

2011-01-18T06:33:00.000-08:00

long time i've been wanting to write in my own blog..
but the feeling just slipped away moments after..
let me tell you what happened this few days..

saturday:
went out shopping the whole day and damn damn tired..
but not much things i bought..
though i spend a lot.. sad..
anyway, had a great day with qiao and her friend..
though we just get to spend few hours together..

sunday:
i remember so clearly,
that in the morning, because of something,
my mood was so damn bad that i closed myself up in the musics world..
that i ignored what people were saying around me, what people thought about me..
just totally suck..
then went 'skytrex' in taman pertanian, shah alam..
played those so 'amazing' games that i would rather kill myself on spot than continue those challenges waiting for me..
just like those flying fox, sky walk all that..
and i can tell you that flying fox is definitely the most syok one..
u won't feel anything except syok..
but the others, i bet you won't want to try them..
the moments i was trying to overcome those challenges,
i found that i'm not that strong as i thought i am..
really so fragile and u feel so bad that u wish someone just there to reach out his or her hands..
but guess what, nobody will come in the midst of air, high in the sky to help you..
so that's the only way that you gotta save yourself..
wow!!! for those who think they are brave enough for everything..
pls come and conquer it!!!
go to the website to know more..
www.tamanpertanianmalaysia.gov.my

monday:
just went to school as usual and had a boring day..
knew about the schedules for these 2 weeks with loads of activities..
learn programming and make the robot move,
japan culture festival,
shogun buffet,
interaction with japanese from hachinohe,
bbq,
balik kampung..
one more thing, my friend seems angry with me..
and i don't know what happened..
it's the first time i'm facing friendship problem which i'm not the problem(normally i'm the problem itself)..
whatever..

today:
another day with programming in the damn cold library..
i wonder why human beings memang like to torture themselves..
and the happiest thing i feel today is,
i got a letter from my junior..
this junior is the one who has the best interaction with me..
same from ipoh, MGS, who knows only cantonese, eng, bm,
take note, no chinese..
how can a chinese don't know how to speak chinese..
haha..
anyway, she is really a cute and sweet junior..
i always joke with her, and share her problems of course..
i think the reason she is so close with me is that we share the same language(which makes u feel u r home),
and she is just like me(though she don't know about that)
someone who thinks so much, worries too much..
she's just the reflection of me last time..
and i wanna help her..
i don't want somebody waste too much time discovering life,
somehow, i think it's needed..
maybe just lead her to the right way will be ok..
in the letter,
she reminded me how we met,
how our friendship grew,
and things that i don't know and that's funny..
haha..
though i really hope our friendship won't fade away,
but it's unavoidable as u know..
it's what we're all facing now..
and we can do nothing..
just trying to enjoy every moments..

though i'll have lots of interesting activities coming to me..
but i just feel to go home..
just those activities don't seem to have any attractions to me..
except the shogun buffet..
haha.. we have to pay half price for that..
k, i know time to go home won't be far from now..
i will just stand it..
meet you guys soon..

passed..

2011-01-14T02:21:00.000-08:00

finished my most important exam thursday and got the result just now..
all passed except one..
means we got the tickets,
to fly to our dreams..
frankly i don't feel anything..
from the day starting my exam,
and the end of it, and finally the result..
my heart is just as calm as there's nothing big happens..
maybe u should say i 'sombong',
cause i 'seem' to think i can fly for sure..
but actually yes, cause the papers just the very basic questions from what we have studied..
but yup,
i feel glad that my friends got to fly..
i know they've had hard times for this exam..
i helped and i know it..
that they tried really hard to catch up the syllables..
thanks god..
and when everybody knew about the result,
they were just so happy..
shouting, hugging, showing their appreciation to teachers' hard, crying..
i wondered, is it necessary??
and i got it..
that's our attitude..
they really thank for what their god gave them..
and we,
we just take it as it's supposed to be..
or just me..
whatever,
i just think too much..

good luck

2011-01-10T07:58:00.000-08:00

always wanted to write something here..
but the feeling faded so fast..
tomorrow will be the final final exam..
and right now,
i don't really feel anything about..
what i'm thinking now,
is the life after that..
i'm sure it will be totally meaningless,
and i will be totally lost..
everyday u don't know what to do,
and u don't know u do it for what..
haiz..
maybe i should concentrate in the exam first..
if i didnt pass,
then i will have big big troubles..

recently fall in love in some songs..
falling into history by avril lavigne..
it's not a new song though..
but this is a song which is totally then her style, which is rock..
i won't say it's a great song,
but it's a song that make u feel something..
it's something plain but special..
another one will be speak now by taylor swift..
she really does have a great voice..
and it's a special song..
a 'mischievous' song i will say..
try to listen them..

good luck..

untitled

2011-01-07T16:31:00.000-08:00

have a relaxing week..
though next week will be my final final final exam..
and i wil be freed after tat..
thinking of all the activities tat wil be carried out after tat..
too many..
jus looking forward..

yesterday got a dream..
a special dream..
which i can remember clearly even after i woke up..
till now maybe..
it's just like a dream of inner me..
teaching me that i have to face problems but not looking for a way to run away from them..
yup, i always run from what i should handle..
and yet, after i read so many things about how to deal with life..
i still remain the old me..
i wonder when will i turn into a new leaf..

having more and more complaints about life here..
i don't want to think like that too..
but that kind of thoughts just flash through my mind..
hope that will go away soon..

merry christmas!!!

2010-12-25T05:05:00.000-08:00

yup, yesterday was the night!!!
had a really great party and met lots of friends who i wished to meet long long time ago..
ate a lot here..
like i don care anymore about my weight and size..
yup sure i do feel different at the party..
i mean compared to last time..
but guess what..
im not going to stuck myself in the past and never get out of the stupid and irreversible dream..
i appreciate a lot that i still, have the chance to mix with my friends here..
and they r always so lovely, adorable..
time being with u guys is so comfortable..
and u wish the time never goes any further..
i will appreciate moments every now and then..
nothing will seem bad unless u think so..

damn angry

2010-12-18T05:59:00.000-08:00

im fucking damn frustrated right now!!!
i can kill others or even myself now..
what the fuck!!!
can he just stopping thinking and creating his own stories..
and set every characters in his stories and think its right..
there's no other reasons except wat he think..
im going crazy if i need to explain everything,
i don't have the responsibility..
i have my own problems and is it a must that i should tel him..
wat the fucking things he is thinking..
im dealing with my own problems and hell,
i gotta deal with u too!!!
don't make things screwed up..
or i should say,
don screw me up..
its not supposed to be concern from a friend..
u r jus like controlling me..
hell, fuck!!!

dream

2010-12-17T16:38:00.000-08:00

i had a dream..
the dream scared me..
it's about i wanted to run away from the life here..
and i did..
in my dream..
i jumped from my own room, i ran hysteriscally while my friends kept chasing me..
and its the feeling when i ran..
i felt i don't have the energy to run fast..
just felt like i was running up a hill but actually it's merely a flat road..
i passed through crowds of people..
they kept chasing though they just seemed walking..
but they were always behind me..
i ran, ran and ran..
i never gave up..
i told myself that no matter how hard it is,
i gotta keep on running..
and finally, i got back to my own room..
and people never stop finding me..
finally, i jumped again and i fell into a car which has an 'opening' on its roof..
and inside, they were my japanese teachers..
they were helping me to escape..
and wishing me,
i don't know what they wished,
but they must be some blessings..
and i reached the airport..
i met those who were just waiting for their flight..
all wearing smart with their black coats..
it's exactly the same scene when we scholars going to fly..
and i don't know why someone just appeared there and he was another one having the same situation as me..
i asked if he felt regret for running away..
he was smiling and looked like he found himself and would never regret for what he had done..

and that's the end,
i woke up..
i don't know wat it's hinting me..
do i really hate life here tat much..
i don't think so..
sometimes, just the people here..
or it's just simply a dream..
though the dream is so clear that i remember every single scenes of it..
and actually really facing some problems here recently..
maybe that's the reason..

and i wanna talk about the party which will be held on christmas eve..
i guess all will know whats going on..
feel disappointed that some rather choose other activities than our gathering..
and that's the only chance v gather all together in a big gang..
and u guys, choosing to go through the day with another gang..
yup, i have no right to blame..
and yet, im not blaming..
i just don understand..
and i really looking forward to this gathering..
which supposed to gather the scattered parts and glue them for a little moment..
and yet,
it's still scattered all around..
i just don't know wat to say,
i don know how many chances left for me,
to have gathering like this..
im running out of time..
the party is no longer meaningful as i think..
as my ji mui last time left one by one..
first is pei yee, then is kwan(but she might go too), then see mun..
and another though its not ji mui,
i care really much, it's chew..
and yes,
im not blaming..
and to chew,
i will try to understand wat u r facing too..
and making u to do tat decision..
i jus need some time to take it..
will be ok..
let the time fly........

jus to share..

2010-12-12T04:27:00.000-08:00

had my wonderful weekend..
really it was great..
and once i reached home,
i opened the fridge..
i was so happy that i felt like i was in the heaven..
so many fruits and food smiling at me^^
and i just knew how 'hell' it is here..
haha..
and spend my precious time as a zombie..
tv, sleeping, eating, and nothing...
see tomorrow will be my final..
frankly i never did this before..
and i always wondered how would it be if u really really didnt study before your exam..
now im going through it..
i had gone through the whole week like i had alr had my exam..
and i can tell u that it feels really great..
but not until i get my result i guess :p

and i bought 4 books today..
1. 信心就是力量
2. when everything changes, change everything (chinese translation)
3. 'put your dream to the test' with 'my dream map' by john c.maxwell

just hope those books might help..
cause i found that im too pessimistic recently..
my laziness is one of them..
cause im scared actually..
scared to face it..
and i don have the confidence..
so i chose to ignore it..
that's me..
and i jus wanna change..
life like tat really bad..

and i brought my guitar here too..
feel ashamed that i bought it for so long but never be able to play well..
and actually my main purpose is to change the strings and tune it..
wanna learn here and after tat will give to my cousins..
hehe..

ugly truth

2010-12-08T14:33:00.000-08:00

i just cant get something out of my mind..
some truths..
i wonder she could do it..
and now she got it..
i wonder did she really think of wat she had done..
and think of how she could get it..
not able to congratulate her..
as i know what the hell she did just to make herself get it..
i don't want to think bad about her..
she is my friend..
and what's left behind is truth..
the ugly truth..
yup it didnt hurt me or has something to do with me..
it's just the feeling..
how could people do like this..
i really cant take it..
and i guess there r still lots lots more outside..
and im going to face it..
wat a freak!!!

i think this might be another emotional day..
going back home tomorrow..
i guess i'll surely feel guilty about it..
as next week will be my final..
anyway, i guess i will enjoy my 'lot time no see' weekends at home..
gonna throw all exam stuffs out of mind and let's face death on monday..

bad day

2010-11-25T01:27:00.000-08:00

today is another suck day..
thought i could go hatyai with my family and have a short break after the tiring days..
but my head programme just giving suck excuses that i cant skip my classes just because of the trip..
if my passport is not with her,
i will definitely not fucking telling her about it..
how about malays going back for haji..
did u say anything about it??
can u just stop fooling me around and give me back my passport???
i tell myself i will never plea you again even i have anything..
u tell me to think in your shoes..
and can you do it to me too??
what's the fucking reasons u telling me..
whatever.. i cant go because of you..
my memories gone because of you..
if you r happy with it, just take it..

totally feel bad these few days..
just kept being misunderstood..
fuck!!!

finally..

2010-11-23T02:28:00.000-08:00

said it's the last day of my competition..
and it's the syok-est day..
today playing double..
at first when my partner and i saw our opponents..
v both thought 'oh my god!!'..
cause when they practiced they r damn powerful and skillful..
v have no way but just go to play as usual..
surprisingly, v managed to win 2 sets and lead the game while they won only 1 game..
suck..
i was damn nervous that time..
and frankly, i thought v could win tat time..
and i started to make stupid stupid mistakes..
its just a while v lost the 4th set..
and the final set, its the same..
stupid me made lots mistake and v lost..
anyway, still glad that i made new friends and though they r leaving(going to fly)..
i wish i can keep this memories as long as i can..
thanks..

good luck..

2010-11-22T01:02:00.000-08:00

another tiring day..
today as individual v took part in the competition too..
i played both single and double..
for single..
i really tried to play save that i can make less mistakes..
but at the last i lost too..
3-2..
i lost in the last game..
i was happy though i think a bit 'sayang'..
made too many mistakes the last game..
supposed i had the chance to win too since my opponent not too strong..
whatever..
for double,
that is what pleased me..
though i'm quite bad in making harmony with people..
we made it through..
it's ok with my performance today as i didnt really nervous..
k tomorrow will be the last day of all..
everything will come to an end..
and i will be like usual..
have to come back to my studies and live another style of tiring life..
good luck..

fatigue..

2010-11-21T03:14:00.000-08:00

really fell in love with one song..
sorry that i loved you..
both the rythme and the lyrics catch my heart..
and this whole week i got busy with my ping pong..
busy training and going for competition..
and im so fragile now..
fatigue and i did nothing for my studies this whole week..
i hardly have time for the homework..
and after the tired days i just don have mood to go study or anything tat really make me sick mentally..
tomorrow will be the last day..
hope that i can meet my family this weekend when they come here..
i just wan to go home..
since i cant, i hope to meet them too..
the next time i go home might probably be the next 3rd week..
hope there's no activity and i can just spend my days at home..

just go for it!!!

2010-11-07T07:14:00.000-08:00

yesterday was a great day to me..
went out with kwan, yeng and soong..
though waited for quite long from the time v fixed,
but still i enjoyed moments with them..
at first v went STATION ONE to have kwan's dinner and it's almost 10pm i guess..
she's really obsessed with everything related to musics..
while she's listening to the live band, three of us jus chit-chatting there..
and after tat v went to AIRPORT,
which is a bar and there, i had my first cocktail..
i like the feeling there..
not really like a pub that people all shaking with the musics..
instead, there's a live band which of course, perform only rock songs..
i guess it will be much better if v go there in a gang..
kwan said she wan to wear a top and very short pants with smoky eyes there next time..
just do it^^
really enjoyed..
or maybe long time i didnt meet them,
so i felt really happy to be with them again..
thanks!!

这两天都一直想把以前的都一一回忆起来，
昨天佩均问，做么我这样静了的？
其实我一直都这样觉得的，
我好像都安静了很多，
其实我也忘了以前我有多吵了。
可能以前也没很吵，只是现在比较安静了。
其实跟你们在一起，多多少少都感觉到什么改变了。
可是比起现在的，和你们在一起的感觉舒服多了。
最近就算有什么想法，
也得往肚里吞，
那死人蕉整天读读读，
都没时间听我讲，
不过我可以了解啦。
就当作是预习吧，
反正去日本后也不是一样什么都得自己面对。
要学习独立，要变得强一些。
还有，今天终于把以前5S1的video给找出来了。
看了一遍，真的是好怀念啊！
以前的我们是多么的天真，至少比起现在，我们是的。
记得以前我的姐妹们，
我们每一个都笑得多么灿烂，
多么的真实，
发现那些笑跟现在的不一样。
那是一种很纯真的感觉。
从来都没发现跟你们在同一班上是多么幸福的事。
以前把一切都想得理所当然，
所以才没来得及珍惜一切，
虽然现在已不是以前的我们了，
但是有着那一丝回忆也是甜蜜的。
现在每个人都在忙着考试，
只有我好像是最闲空的一个，
可能你们都没时间去想我现在想的事，
但我想把这个晚上留给你们，
因为接下来的三个月，
我不能让自己在玩玩了，
要认真准备考试，
把自己要做的给做好，
去吧！！！

nothing

2010-11-03T15:36:00.000-07:00

it's alr thursday..
and start from few days ago,
i alr having this bad feeling..
the feeling is worsen when i got back my papers..
i did damn bad in my science subjects except chemistry..
physics and maths which im always proud of drag me to hell..
i dread finding out the source of problem and the solution..
but my mind is sucking blank..
forgive me for using those rude words..
i can no longer control my own mind..
and problems seem slamming into my mind..
maybe there's not much of them but i jus emphasizing them..
especially the sarawak trip..
how many times v had discussed about it..
but there's always no ending and conclusion..
problems seem flowing in when v jus made our decision..
and i'm sick of tat..
those who want to go always say they can jus follow majority..
what the fuck!!!
it's not that u are so called toleratant but u don't help at all..
then u can just cancel the plan and do nothing at your home..
when i jus want to check first and tell u when everything's settled,
u jus tell somebody that u r always the last one to know..
that's enough..
just leave me alone..
i just want to go home..
and it's the only place u r thinking of when u have any problem..
it's true that v say 家是你唯一的避风港..
that's what u feel when u r at home..
yeng, if u see this..
and both u and i free,
let's go for a drink..
let's sway away all the fucking things dumped in our mind..

random

2010-10-21T09:14:00.000-07:00

how long i've been away from here..
maybe recently the negative thoughts rarely float in my mind..
or i should say nothing's worth to write down recently..
still the same life as usual..
and i know normally u guys would like to read blog's posts in chinese..
actually im too..
but i jus think i cant really express well in chinese..
somemore gotta spend lots of time if i type in chinese..

today(thursday i mean) is supposed to be the last day of my mid term though about 10 hours later i'll have my oral test..
i can only say 'suck' with my physics papers today..
it's so simply but i cant do it well too..
because im too over confident..
think tat i know all the principles and laws..
and i didnt learn from the mistakes which i made in the test earlier..
i did bad in tat paper and i jus don wan to even glance at it..
running from the shame and stupidness i've made..
and today,
i made the same mistakes again though it's the same question..
im still tat stupid like last time..
stupid......

and jus now a few of the girls(includine me) cooked and enjoyed our dinner with a few juniors too..
after tat, v went to the basketball court and made a big round(tat time quite a lot joined)..
v had our 'float' at the beginning.. (which v made ourselves by pouring the soft drink in your cup and add few scoops of icecream on it)..
after tat v played 'mafia' which is quite a nice game if u have a big group..
and v enjoyed very much..
how nice is life here if everyday can be like this..
huh..
lets see how emo im after the oral test tomorrow..
anyway am going to times square with friends after tat..
actually don feel to go, as u guys know..
i don really like shopping..
but wan to be more like 'in the group'..
so i go..
haiz..
really no mood now..
im blank..

this afternoon watched something related to singing one..
and my mind automatically flew back to my secondary time..
yup im talking about my best friend..
she likes singing but always don dare to stand on the stage and face the people..
and for those people, really sayang cause she really knows how to sing..
her voice can catch your heart and mind..
no matter how v encourage or wat,
she will still be the same..
don have the courage and especially the CONFIDENT to sing in front..
i wonder are we really tat useless to get her believe tat 'she can'..
but now she is a different girl..
she meets people who love musics..
and those called 'professional' rather than us might give her better suggestions or encouragement..
and now she gets to try lots of things..
lots of new experience..
and going for a national competition representing perak..
im so proud of her from my deep heart..
tat i can tel people tat 'she's my best friend..'
mind it, the ' 's ' i made is was..
that one im clear about it..
and i'll just take the fact..
she's always lucky..
surrounded by so many different friends who all care about her..
v all knew it from long long long time ago..
haiz, don know what im talking now..
just feel bit sad for tat fact..

and im jus like those who will sit for their stpm in about one month later..
im counting down to the day of my flight..
this coming break will deal with all passport, visa, certificate of eligibility,
and i have just passed up my application form for college there..
made me think tat : 'walao, so fast meh???!!!'
and there's only 5 months left here..
i always counting down here..
but i always think i still have long time here and i cant wait to go there to leave the boring and meaningless life here..
and as wat im thinking, 5 months really long for life here but its far too short for time with family and friends..
haiz..
really don know what i should think..
fight for studies??
maybe..
let me change my attitude and to be a good student here..

无题

2010-08-29T04:44:00.000-07:00

看了‘最后的演讲’
the last lecture..
无可否认，它是一本富有激励性的书，
读时，真的有种‘我要成功！’的感觉。
也知道只要自己努力，坚持地去做自己要做的事，
总有一天，梦想会实现。
只是，我不是天生的积极争取型。
每当已下定决心要努力读书，
不久后又会松懈下来。
典型的懒惰。
能告诉我怎么才能把那团火给保住吗？
还是我太多时间想东想西了？

最近关于朋友的想法，
变得自私了。
i don know how to say..
just don have the feeling to appreciate..
forgive to say tat..
im jus feeling tat way..
sometimes feel more comfortable when both, who need each other, chat..
i mean those not necessary got to be your best friend or wat..
jus simply a friend who can share your mind..
not necessary got to be the friend who always chat with u..
jus simply a friend u will think of when u need..
then u won feel the burden..
the burden i mean is the energy to maintain the friendship..
or u might be angry tat i use 'burden' for it..
im jus telling the truth, which i learn from the book..
i know i don have the right to say it's a burden to maintain..
cause i don seem to do so last time too..
jus sorry to say tat..
to whom work so hard for our friendship..

'buddha collapsed out of shame'

2010-08-25T09:49:00.000-07:00

jus finished watching one movie..
entitled 'buddha collapsed out of shame'
it's a movie by an iran director..
about a six-year-old girl's desire to go to school by facing so many obstacles..
boys imitating talibans in their country that they want to stone the girl to death..
quite a lot of moral values in the movie..
the little girl really played her role very well that u can barely breathe when u see how she faces her problems alone..
its really a touching movie for me..
and it reminds me tat how lucky im to be born in a peaceful country which has no war..
and v, human should really take serious of this problem as it has great great affects far more than v can imagine..
but some might think its quite a boring movie la..
jus recommend here and if u have the time..
can go to search for it..

sem3 break

2010-08-14T06:30:00.000-07:00

sleepy..
but wanna write down something first about this holidays..
quite ok for this holidays..
at first, kept on hanging out with yeng..
played ping pong, shopping and of course yam cha..
met winnie and chew too..
chat chat chat..
happy for sure ")
then my teachers came on friday evening,
my friend and i then went to guide them here and there..
mostly for delicious food la..
and actually had some conflict with my family because of tat lo..
i wanted to drive to guide my teachers but my mum didnt allow lo..
anyway, i drived to ipoh first time and though it's dangerous..
not bad too la..
then had 'high' tea with melissa chow..
sweat..
haha..
really long time no see la..
but maybe because v always keep in touch then feel nothing la..
so don care "P
thanks for the chat..
enjoyed very much yo..
and im so glad to have u everytime when i feel bad..
maybe it's really about 'yuan'..
and next year u should online more frequent..
cause i can only keep in touch with u using msn or fb or webcam o..
so so so...
remember la..
really enjoyed time with family and friends here during this holidays..
feeling grateful........

最低の私

2010-08-10T09:18:00.000-07:00

今度は日本語で書きたい。
自分に向かえないことがある。
最低ですね、私は。
ずっと前も自分の心をちゃんと聞かなかった。
そのせいで、今の私になった。
何となく、医者についてのドラマとか見ると、
昔へ戻ったと感じた。
昔の私は、
どうしてそんなことを決めたか。
いつも自分に言い聞かせる。
これは悪い選択ではないということ。
でも、本当の自分の心に負けた。
今後悔するのは、
絶対にダメということ、
よく知っている。
でも、もうコントロールできない。
もし、もう一度昔に戻ったら、
どんな選択をするか、
それで、
今どうなるか。
でも、それは全く不可能なことなんですよね。
他の人にそう言った。
‘ずっと昔のことばかり考えたら、
あなたには将来がない’。
でも、いまのわたしは、
どうなるだろうか。
本当に分からない。
今は、感謝しているか、
後悔しているか、
全く分からない。
わたしは、
本当に最低だ。

final final..

2010-08-05T18:53:00.000-07:00

finally my final exam for sem 3 is over..
just back from the oral test..
really suck about tat..
don want to talk about it anymore..
but overall i'm still satisfied with what i had done in the papers..
though i don't know my answer correct or not..
maybe this time mostly basic questions so still can handle well..
jus forget about it..

and yesterday went sunway pyramid to sing k and steamboat..
overall i was happy with it la..
long time didnt go sing k alr..
and this time not really many people go sing k..
so im still ok with it..
and tel u guys..
i ruin another 'birthday mood' again..
did something silly..
v bought a sweater for my roommate's birthday,
and the bill is still inside the plastic bag and v gave her..
back to the room only i realised..
really bad..
haha..
today will be going again for 'inception'..
looking forward to it..
if no tickets i will kill the fei yeng..
ha ha..

anyway going back tomorrow morning..
those who wanna date me i have one week break..
jus tel me la tat time..
have a nice day :)

INPRO

2010-07-31T10:29:00.000-07:00

my campus's sports day - 'INPRO' had just over..
time just goes too fast..
one year had past and i was there as senior..
and wat inpro left for me last year,
is the memories with my korean programme friends..
i still remember time i played with them when v practiced for marching,
remember time i took photo with them..
remember time we sang 'jalur gemilang' loudly..
miss them so much,
u guys miss me?

though, i had a great night..
last year had to take part in the marching so didn't have the chance to enjoy other programme's performances..
but tonight, watched their parade..
really damn awesome!!!
i never know marching still can be so stylish and creative..
really damn nice!!!
i just wonder how many talented people in this school..
they were so excellent that i don't know what else to say..

lovely weekend

2010-07-25T05:08:00.000-07:00

had a nice weekend!!!
cause finally i was home..
ate so much and played so much..
slept so late these two days..
and yesterday went to celebrate chew's birthday though it's bit early..
and they blamed me for bringing the cake right in front of him lo..
tat fei yeng told me like tat de lo..
not my fault wat..
ok la i spoilt the atmosphere alr lo i admit..
then v went yeng's house lo..
they bought beer again..
everytime i gathered with them they sure buy beer one..
don understand..
but yesterday v had 2 sad girls..
so i guess drink some beer is normal right..
so sad to see them like tat but cant do anything lo..
i wonder what's love..
which made them so suffered..
and what's really right what's really wrong..
is there really a boundary which makes it clear..
whatever..
what for to make myself down again..
just make it flow the way it likes..

and the conclusion,
i enjoyed my weekend ")

bon odori

2010-07-17T08:02:00.001-07:00

just back from the 'bon odori'..
it's great day man..
enjoyed the dance so much and love our performance..
but at the beginning some accidents occured to me..
i mean small small case and it became the black spot of my whole performance..
if not i'm quite satisfied with myself..
luckily i didn't emo tonight..
if not really bad..

but i think not much special with the festival la..
unless u want to buy expensive japanese food which is not tat tasty..
but i ate the ice cream..
damn nice!!!
and unless u want to see japanese with their costume walking around..
and unless u like the slow and smooth dance of them..
and u have to jam all the way just for those things..

for your surprise, everyone of us got a box of sushi set as our dinner..
walao eh!!!
so cool man!!!
didnt even know we'll got this..
not cheap wei..
not bad to join..
haha..
that's all..
gonna start study soon for my final lu...
ganbatte!!!

penang trip

2010-07-16T06:42:00.000-07:00

jus back from the motivation course in penang..
frankly didnt really happy with the trip..
of course got some reasons but then i don't want to talk about it anymore..
just share some of my thoughts after the trip..

first, i'm so damn lucky..
i didn't even need to pay for the hotel and the food..
and u know..
i really feel guilty as i'm using citizen's money..
u know wat v eat..
it's all high high class one..
i got shocked when i went there to take my food..
don't really understand what's the point v eat so damn nice..
hey man v r using people's money..
and like it's pointless which v only use to enjoy..
whatever..

second, quite happy as chatted quite a lot in japanese with teachers..
and i think it's the only good point which improves relationship btw teachers and students and build their confidence to talk more in japanese..
though through the activities carried,
i found out how stupid im..
haiz, jus forget about it..

third, felt happy too chatted with melissa..
if not my night really really long and moody..
and i let her talk with my japanese teacher..
very funny that my teacher told me nobody's there..
then actually she just didnt say anything since she don't know wat to say..
hahahahahahaha..
great experience right..
can talk to japanese..
thanks me fast fast..
haha..

overall, still ok la for the trip..
nothing much to say..
hope the 'bon odori' tomorrow will be the successful one..

home again..

2010-07-12T15:34:00.000-07:00

slept the whole night again..
and today's test..........
i really don't know what i can do for it..
totally lost my spirit..
i have never read this little for my tests or what..
i don't even have mood to face it..

and the worst thing is i don't know i'm feeling better or worse..
sometimes when i think i feel better then suddenly i feel very cold and chilling there..
suck..
or i'm just sick mentally..
which send message to my brain tat i'm still sick..
and maybe keep on sleeping is one of the way to avoid the stress of the test..
totally suck..

just now i dreamt about my family..
my pareants, my sister, my brother came to find me to give me a surprise..
i know myself well..
everytime i miss my family sure i'll dream of them..
and it's not the first night..
i jus wish to go home quickly..
who can bring me home..
i don't want to go to penang..
really don't want..
don't want to go in this condition..

homesick-ing

2010-07-12T03:07:00.000-07:00

miss home badly badly badly..
and start from friday..
sick..
i think wil be ok soon..
jus tomorrow i have test for physics, chemistry and maths before my final..
wat the hell..
they want to have test ok la but y need to take the marks to your final la..
no mood at all to study..
keep on sleeping these few days..
hate it..
i want to go home!!!
but have to wait for 2 more weeks..
wednesday will be going to penang for my motivativation course..
frankly i don have much anticipation like they do..
i rather go home and sleep the whole day..
haiz..
but blessed that im going to recover i think..
won be suffering like before..
haiz..

random

2010-07-06T07:03:00.000-07:00

overall i'm satisfied with myself today..
though at noon got emo bit bit bit but then i controlled my mind not to think negatively..
and i did it..
after school 伊藤先生said she read my mini essay(homework) from 佐藤先生，
who is my form teacher now..
the title is 私にとっての偉人..
u can understand right from the words..
ya the one i wrote is 伊藤先生,
and i was so surprised when she told me she read it since that's my homework and have nothing to do with her..
just don't know y the japanese like to give others to read things written about them..
but it's ok for me..
actually i feel quite happy with tat..
at least she gave me the energy again..
she is really a good 'engine starter'..

and played table tennis for about 2 hrs after school..
feel great for tat..
really enjoyed it..
and i won't be like last time..
always worried tat i spent too much time playing..
i said alr i want to live life that i want..
hope that this spirit won't fade away..
i just want to keep it..

winner

2010-07-05T05:43:00.000-07:00

just now emo again..
ya i like to indulge myself in the realm when i feel tat way..
i don want to pull myself from it..
and that's me..
easily affected by some little things..

and jus now suddenly feel tat y i want to be like tat..
life shouldn't be like tat..
and many times things are not as what i think..
i have too many negative thinking..
and that makes me feel bad always..
i don want to feel it anymore..
I DON'T WANT!!!

i have decided to change..
to change to a new one..
the one who always be cheerful and confident..
the one who is playful..
the one who won't care about small matters..
the one who dares to dream..
the one who does whatever i want to..
the one who is not afraid of obstacles and difficulties which might happen..
the one who enjoys life..
the one whose life is not all about studies..

ever heard of a quote,
'u have to live better than yesterday,
if u r not, u r receding.'
ya i want to and i have to live better than yesterday..
i will be the winner at last...

无题

2010-07-03T19:32:00.000-07:00

今天是其他的programme新生报到，
看着他们，就想起以前的我。
好快啊！
一年又过去了。
当时什么都不懂，
就来了这读书。
记得那时我迟到，
一来到就要去听讲座了，
然后爸妈就走了。
想起都可怕，
当时什么人都不认识，
再加上我迟去，
他们办了什么手续我也不懂。
有时候也不懂怎样熬过去的。
一年里面，遇到了太多的事情，
累积了不少经验。
让我觉得庆幸的是，
认识了那一班韩国programme的朋友。
跟他们真的有好朋友的感觉，
就算只静静地听他们讲，
也不会觉得被忽略，
只会很享受那一刻。
就算现在和他们msn也一样。
只是昨天突然被其中一个点醒了，
她跟我说，
为什么情绪低落时要别人弄你开心，
自己的情绪是自己去控制的。
然后发现自己太依赖他们了，
也不能每次伤心事都要别人去安抚。
我试试看吧，
有太多负面情绪了，
需要时间。。。

life...

2010-06-30T07:23:00.000-07:00

emo-ing..
no mood to study at all..........
i presumed that if i don't go for any sports..
then i can stay longer to study..
but who knows..........
going for sports become one to fill up my time..
to make me busy..
to make me flee from emotional swing..
my stare stretching to infinity..
don't know what i should do..
in fact i don't feel to do anything..

chew jus 'made' me emo again..
asked me something and made me think tat time jus flies through..
i remembered things in my mind so clearly..
but it might be a few years ago..
or maybe longer..
y human beings exist..
jus wan to let us to taste all the joy, bitter, regret, helpless or whatsoever?
but then y should we?
ya v feel 'bitter' cause v ever felt 'sweet'..
but if don let us feel tat then v will never feel suffered..
whatever..
say too much about this..

HATE!!!

2010-06-20T05:54:00.000-07:00

actually jus now extremely frustrated with the bus..
today the plusliner ticket sold out so i have to ask other counters for shah alam..
then one counter de sales told me their bus will stop at shah alam directly and about 6 plus will reach there..
then i bought it and waited waited waited..
the bus finally took off at 430 which supposed to be 400..
fine then..
and it reached one stop and stopped there for more than half an hour..
jus get no idea y they stopped there for so long..
u can do how many times 'big' business there within half an hour..
fine again..
and u know wat..
it headed to puduraya first then only went to my place..
u see this is how malaysia works..
people cheat just to get them business and money without considering others..
that's we, malaysians!!!
damn it..
i had to take another 45 minutes after pudu to reach my destination..
and i was in the bus for about 5 HOURS from the original 2 and a half hours..
i jus get no idea how much time i wasted in this weekend..
i hate waiting anymore..
HATE HATE HATE!!!

laziness..

2010-06-16T15:51:00.000-07:00

i'm damn too lazy!!!
after sem break i'm blur for almost 2 weeks!!!
i lost my concentration and complete little things in long time..
who can tel me why..
but maybe i should stop going to study room..
cant find the study mood there anymore..
better change a way and stay at my own room..
oh my spirit, pls come back to me..
im damn crazy now!!!

it's luck..

2010-06-15T09:33:00.000-07:00

today got my mid-term total result..
like what i said before,
i'm too lucky..
i'm the 3rd of my course..
what a shame!!!
the one like me can get it..
and actually i'm not really satisfied with my result..
i mean for some subjects..
i was so surprised to know my essay mark..
it's really surprising..
i thought i can get better than the mark i got now..
since last time i was one of the top..
and now what a shame for me to get this..
and it seemed useless i spend hours to write essays which i'm not obliged to..
but somehow i just want to express my own feeling in the essays..
and at the same time, i want to be trained to apply new words and grammar..
or it's just another subject that has nothing to do with the work u have done..
it's about luck..

great day..

2010-06-12T11:49:00.000-07:00

i playedd the whole day again..
but today i really enjoyed it..
my sis came to take me and v went to one u..
shopping together and had meals together..
and i felt so grateful when i had meal with her..
the food was awesome and i really enjoyed it very much..
chatting while enjoying the food..
she brought me to eat dessert too after shopping..
for me it's not tat delicious as she said..
but with amazing price..
but i felt the same..
i enjoyed it..
really feel so lucky that i have siblings like my bro and sis..
sayang me so much..
i feel great that i have a great family..

leisured week..

2010-06-11T04:33:00.000-07:00

one week's gone..
and i was fooling around the whole week..
maybe because i was just back from my sem break..
then im so lazy to study..
just always online online and watch drama..
haiz..
but i'm quite happy with this kind of life..
no stress..
but maybe i will suffer when it comes to my exam and result..

the only thing i did which i feel proud of it is,
i wrote an essay entitled 'grandfather'..
i think it's the saddest and most emotional essay i had ever written..
just felt to write it then i finished it at 3 am..
as i don't want to do it till the half way..
though it's not a homework..
then i asked my favourite teacher, ito sensei to mark for me..
and today she asked me which way she should use to mark it..
whether she should focus on the content or the grammar..
she said the case is just like when u get a love letter,
if u keep on marking on the mistakes of grammar,
maybe it will be a bit weird..
actually i wrote it just to share the feeling at tat moment,
and of course i want to improve my skills..
so i asked her to mark the one she wants..
looking forward to her comments..

felt happy too just now chatted with khai xin,
and so funny tat our camera jus stucked there..
so just like talking to a zombie without any movements..
haha..
and felt so syok keep on shooting at her..
long time didnt have this feeling..
thanks ya..
haha..

that's all for this week..
hope tat i won be lazy anymore..
fast fast go study la..
all the best..

it's over again...

2010-06-06T03:52:00.000-07:00

一个星期假期过去了。
这一个星期里面，
其实也没做什么，
但觉得蛮开心的。
每天呆在家里做猪，
是很不错的事。
在这假期领悟到的事，
莫过于对朋友的想法。
以前的我很着著，
一直对朋友要求多多，
然后就自己想自己爽，
然后就 emo,
但上次跟他们出去谈天后，
那感觉还很温馨，
就像以前一样。
虽然大家都在不同地方过不同的生活，
也会偶尔遗忘了对方，
但在一起时，
那感觉又回来了，
所以也不必想多。
跟佩仪她们谈过，
等他们stpm过后，
我们一起去旅行吧！
很想在走之前跟你们找回以前的回忆。
sunway lagoon 如何？
到时再算吧。。。

随性。。。

2010-05-28T09:38:00.000-07:00

再一次看了‘一公升的眼泪’。
感动，
想拥有像里面一样的，
无论自己变成什么样子，
都有一群在旁永无厌倦的，
真心地在你身旁待着，
陪伴着你的人。
多好的朋友，
都有不了解你的时候，
特别是距离远了的时候，
是具体上的距离，
或是心灵上的距离都一样。
当一个人说不在意的时候，
其实是很恐怖的事。
不要再轻易地说不在意了，
因为我在意。。。

自己

2010-05-27T09:12:00.000-07:00

刚去了一个聚会，
听了很多东西，
说‘听’，
是因为我没讲太多，
也不想讲，
因为很懒。
他们说，
我们能控制自己的情绪。
我们通常会想好和坏两面，
而坏的一面通常都会战胜好的一面，
但我们能尽量想的正面一些，
那我们就不会那么悲观了。
我想，
我们真的能够控制自己的情绪，
只是那因人而异，
像我这样懒的人，
我根本不想去花力气想一大堆正面道理，
所以闹情绪时，
难免会有一点困扰。
就是没有自信，
去想一些可能不会是真实的东西，
也很懒，
反正你不能确认什么，
就算是你知道了又怎样，
难道那又是真实的东西了吗？
你又不是那个人，
你怎知道那又是真的？
我们是活在真实的幻觉里，
还是幻觉的真实里？
你能轻易的分辨出来吗？
太多的转变，
让人没有安全感。
很多时候的忧虑，
可能就是因为有太多的疑问，
却没有勇气去确认。
当身边都没有你要倾诉的对象，
你很可能就会变成一个，
没有自己的自己。。。

无聊

2010-05-25T23:39:00.000-07:00

今早起身后，
就觉得有点郁闷，
跟以往的一样，
只想让自己沉沦下去，
我就是那么奇怪，
只是单纯的不想开心，
希望沉醉在那感觉之中。
心中好像有很多话要说，
只是都很零碎，
找不到任何线索。
于是去看了别人的部落，
想有什么来刺激自己的思维，
怎知还是一样。
有时会羡慕那些为情而困的人，
或为了什么东西有一大堆想法的人，
很想感受那一大堆想法把头脑都挤碎的感觉，
有朋友说过，
我想法很复杂，
我说，我也想像她一样，
想得比较简单，
会比较开心。
但很明显，
我向往的，
是充满很多理论的生活。
以前，朋友们会一起谈心事，
然后说出自己的意见，
那时，会觉得自己很有智慧，
但他们接受你的安慰或认同你的想法时，
说真的，会暗爽。
感觉现在，跟以前完全不一样。
以前，会很喜欢听别人的故事，
只因从别人的故事，
能深深感受到那种痛，
庆幸自己还没算很惨，
虽不是发生在自己身上，
也希望感受不一样的痛。
开始感叹，
变化太多，太大了。
喜欢以前。
虽然很多问题得解决，
但至少，
生活是有意义的。
这里，
除了读书，
找不到其他的意义，
感受的，
除了读书的压力，
也没其他了。
生活就只是这样而已吗？
在这里的生活，
对，我找不到其他的东西了。
中学，在班上吹水，玩，谈心事，打乒乓，讲是非，做白痴的事，
回家，睡觉，跟妈妈顶嘴，补习，去pasar malam, 偶尔会顶公公两句，跟表妹玩，
一切一切，成了过去，
现在的我，
看起来可能会很忙，
那只不过是一个可怜的躯壳，
没有灵魂的躯壳，
往往想要让自己好过些时，
头脑就一片空白，
原来我什么都遗忘了，
还是，一切都没有目的的在外流浪，
丢下空虚的心房，
一个只是单纯为了生命而生存的心。
缅怀着过去，
怀恋以前的所有，
开心的，不开心的，
想念公公，
这感觉好可怕，
很讨人厌，
我想留在家，
不想出国了，
刚拿到jpa的，
你们以为那很值得开心吗？
某角度上，是的，
但你可能要真真学会长大了。

whatever..........

2010-05-25T15:38:00.001-07:00

it's coming to the end of the mid-term..
and frankly, i didn't really work hard as i did before..
just don't know what to say..
especially for today's subjects..
physics and english..
for physics i don't know what else can i do with it..
u seem to understand the concept but when u come to the questions,
u can't figure out what's the solution..
for english, since it's a language, what else can u do to upgrade your marks..
though v have specific topics..
i just don't know what's supposed to read..
whatever..
and if this time i score better than last time..
there are only 3 possibilities..
first, the exam is too easy for everybody to score..
second, it's the same whether to study or not for exam..
third, i was really lucky..
that's all..
can't even bear to think about it..
neither i do feel to study..
whatever........

receding....

2010-05-20T23:16:00.000-07:00

these few days the blue mood remains, lingering around me..
worsen with the result i got from my tests..
and the exercises i did..
found that my brain works slower than last time..
even a simple simple question i'm not able to solve..
and now i want to escape from the fact..
next week will be having my mid term but i just don't have the spirit for it..
last time i think i'll have the fire to go for it..
but now i'm just lazing around..
maybe my thought has changed..
last time i always want to be the top..
that's y i was fighting so hard..
now i just think that i don't need to be like tat..
life like tat is hell..
i hate it..
i just want to enjoy life here..
suddenly remember that a teacher told me before..
after u go japan there r much troubles..
now what i have to do is to enjoy life here..
but can i?
maybe.........

sucked

2010-05-20T15:56:00.000-07:00

i'm totally sucked with what happened to me..
who cares.....

greatest gratitude

2010-05-18T09:34:00.000-07:00

ok..
my birthday just passed and i'm gonna to write about my birthday present here..
the first present i got is from khai xin, which i got early in this year i think..
and it's about her 'sexy' side..
u know how much i miss u guys recently..
cause normally at lunch time will go to find u guys to chat right..
then now feel like so empty lo sometimes..

another one is from my brother..
the notebook which i wrote before..
and the 'bak kut teh' he belanja..
thanks..
really really happy with it..
really tasty..
haha..

then it's the ticket for thomas cup..
it's so cool that day and i felt the 'fire' in malaysians..
had a great day shouting for every points and playing wave altogether..
though it's tiring but i really enjoyed it..
it's an unexpected present though..

comes to the party yesterday..
as i have mentioned last night..
i think i don't need to say more about tat..
and i got a thing to hang my student id from my malay friend..
(sorry my english sucks and i don't know wat it's in english)
tomorrow will be wearing it :p

and today just got a small snack from my japanese teacher..
have no idea y she knows it..
but anyway, gonna share tomorrow though it's small..

i think still have one more present which hasn't handed to me yet..
chew told me last time he bought a card and will give it to me..
keep your promise a chew..
but seem that recently he has some problems..
sorry that cant help but hope that u can get rid of it soon..
as what u should focus now is your studies..

and except the 'solid' things there's lots more i got..
i got lots of wishes from my beloved friends..
feel quite surprised for that..
ya one more..
got a 'chinese' message typed by mei shen..
shocked for that..
as she gives us an impression that she didnt learn chinese and so damn good in english..
but actually v know she took chinese for her spm la..
haha..
thanks la..
maybe i'm not able to thank everyone of u,
but i know it clear that u guys r blessing..
so jus thanks..
will have the 'greatest gratitude' for your guys..
love

hate myself..

2010-05-17T10:30:00.000-07:00

really feel to find someone to share..
but it's too late and i guess everybody's in their dream now..
it's my birthday today and chew was the first one to call..
thanks.. of course for others who send their blesses to me..
actually when chew called me, i know that they will celebrate for me tonight..
but actually i kept on telling myself don't be too sensitive or whatsoever..
then i talked with chew for about 15 mins i think and they came into my room..
singing birthday song and holding a big 'chocolate indulgence' from secret recipe..
it's almost the same as last time when i first came here..
but of course this time de people is less than last time..
as tomorrow v'll have our weekly test..

i remembered last time i asked a question to some of them..
it's 'y do u guys treat me so good?'
they just answered 'because v r friends'..
today i have to ask the same question..
though i don't know who r really coming to wish or jus being asked to come..
i just keep on telling myself don't think so much..
as the presence of everyone of them, is a bless..
y should i care all the nonsense things..
and my friend told me..
y i didn't look surprised or happy when they came in..
and i'm sure the one who know me well,
know that i don't really show happiness on my face..
it's a strange feeling this time..
maybe i don't really treat everyone nice frankly..
then i feel guilty to take what doesn't belong to me..
and i think they spend quite a lot for this time..
the cake and the ticket for thomas cup..
i'm such a bastard!!!
i just hate myself..
i think if they don't treat me like that i will feel better..
i'm born to stay alone..
i don't feel comfortable if someone treats me too good..
i really feel strange now..
pls, don't treat me too good..
have to say that i'm not worth..
and i'm just like last time..
questioning myself what can i do for them..
and the answer is the same..
nothing..
dumb..
wat a useless me!!!
pls, one more time, don't treat me too good......
i'm selfish and everything u think i'm not..

cool weekend!!!

2010-05-16T02:27:00.000-07:00

had a great weekend..
but of course,
didnt study much..
friday went to watch the semi final,
saturday taught my friend chemistry,
sunday went out with my brother..
conclusion is i didn't study much..
i have a weekly test on tuesday and a paper for essay on wednesday..
that's for the mid-term..
found that i really can't read lot when i stay in dorm..

and today i feel really really happy and touched..
my brother came to take me to eat 'bak kut teh'..
oh it's awesome and delicious..
and he bought me lots of snacks..
as last time i joked that i don't have money to buy snack so i eat like mad in house..
i was kidding that time..
frankly don't really like to eat snacks..
but really touched when i saw that big pack of snacks..
and he bought me a notebook for my birthday..
it's unbelievable since he is a guy and he didnt really that kind of stuff..
but he did..
what can i say..
jus thanks..

and i'm busy making bookmarks for my teachers for teachers' day..
can imagine someone who hate arts so much like me will do such things..
i really don't have talent la wei..
my head gonna blast for the design..
but thanks melissa la..
she kept on sms-ing with me to give me ideas..
or i kept on disturbing her to give me ideas..
anyway, just thanks..
ok, i will spend the night for it..
and i will start my hardest revision for my mid-term..
just do your best..
go!!!!
remind me if i don't, k?

historical moment

2010-05-14T08:44:00.000-07:00

just came back from stadium bukit jalil..
we went there at about 1.45 pm and when we reached there it's still not much people..
it's the match between japan and indonesia..
of course i'm at the side of japan but the indonesia's fans have conquered the whole stadium..
pitiful japan..
though the first 2 matches're not that exciting..
but i really really love the 3rd match between sasaki sho and santoso simon..
it's damn cool man..
sasaki impressed all of us..
he showed his resolution inside his deep heart..
he was so offensive and we're so 'syok' with his performance..
like he didn't have any stress for the competition and just played the way he wanted..
i'm talking the positive side..
it's just cool..
though he is not that handsome..
we felt the spirit with him..

and let's talk about the match between china and malaysia..
i was actually quite surprised with the people there..
everywhere is the supporters who're holding their hope that malaysia can again take the highest honour..
half an hour before the first match the supporters're already so high and making 'wave' there..
all cheering with their own ways..
kesian china..
then when both lin dan and our datuk walked out,
it's great difference with the response of spectators there..
seem that malaysian really don't like lin dan..
anyway, he won without any surprise..
my friend who was a state badminton player said that he just can't be beaten..
his movement and speed is perfect and nobody can beat him..
maybe..
and it's the turn of men doubles..
this match was really exciting..
it made your heart bouncing so hard..
though they seemed to lose badly..
but i think that they were great..
that was the other match i think it's great other than the sasaki one..
they're just cool..
and after the 2 matches many people started to leave the stadium..
it's just like no hope for us to get into the final..
and miracle didn't happen..
nevermind..
i really think malaysia had tried their best..
and it's stressful to get so much hope from the citizens..
just try again next time..
malaysian will always support..

have a great day today..
thanks my beloved friends..
nothing i can say..
just thanks..

selfishness

2010-05-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

tomorrow wil be going for thomas cup - semi final..
malaysia against china..
hope tat it will be a great match and i'll enjoy it..
but tomorrow our programme have celebration for teachers' day after school..
of course it's sure that i'm not able to join the celebration since have to take off right after school..
but actually really feel to play with the teachers, friends and juniors..
i was just like a baby knowing nothing about japanese one year before..
it's the teachers' hard work which grew me up..
it's all their contribution..
so really feel to thank them or celebrate with them..
plus tomorrow will be giving the photo album and video v made for our former class teacher-ito sensei..
and for sure, i'm not able to see the happiness on her face..
nevermind, i should be grateful..
that i got the chance to witness one of the great events held in malaysia..
thanks..

today one idea jus 'pop' out into my mind..
is everybody selfish..
or the other side..
i think that no matter how selfish v r,
v have someone to care and v wil do something for them..
v take them as priority..
is it selfish too..
v might selfish to somebody but v might not to somebody else..
or v should think of the other side..
v have selfishness in our deep heart,
so v r selfish as v r not perfect..
u know wat i wan to mean?
from the same thing v can think of the both sides..
so what should be the right one..
sometimes really hate to see or admit the real me who r so ugly..
i mean internally..
haiz..
jus whatever..
im fine..

untitled

2010-05-09T09:40:00.000-07:00

first of all,
have to congratulate myself since the surprise i created for my mum was a success i think..
she was happy and so did i..
everytime i go back i feel the bond is stronger than before..
isn't it a good thing..
but maybe it's worse when i have to leave..

and quite stressed jus now as something happened..
thanks chew for telling me that story..
and i'm myself,
i don have to care about wat they do,
and i have my own way..

fell in the problem again..
i think it's clear but am i thinking too much again..
it pops into my mind time to time today,
but thanks god i still manage to write my speech..
though i'm quite slow..
hope it will get better..
though i wish i can get something but wat for?
i can and i will never get it..
jus forget about it..
back to the reality..
don make the same mistake and don forget the pain u got from it..
pls don't get close to it again..
i'm begging u..
jus keep on studying..
that's the only thing u have to do..
bless u..

different me?

2010-05-06T10:06:00.000-07:00

jus had gathering with the juniors..
got a bit high and talked a lot there..
then when i was backed to my dorm,
my friend asked me..
y i seemed different today..
i was shocked actually...
really?!
then i thought for a while and told her..
v show different kind of us to different kind of people..
but she said..
y i always show the different me in front of her..
shocked again..
maybe..
it's a really good question to think about..
and she said y i need to think too much..
but mei shen, i can tel u that u r just the same with me..
jus maybe it's like what u have said,
u r jus not good in expressing yourself..
but people do feel your mood swing..
i jus think that i don't need to pretend when i feel bad..
it's suffering for me..
that's y i keep quiet and maybe it's the different me for u..
ya i admit that i don't really enjoy life here..
but who do?
when u miss home and there's stress,
it's hard to keep cheerful..
maybe for u, u r the one who think that u don't really think much..
but u know how much people yearn to have that life..
i cant tel u why it's always a different me..
i told u people always lost in their own world right..
maybe i'm looking for the right way to escape..
maybe i'm looking for another unforgettable friend..
maybe i'm looking for the feeling for being someone important..
maybe i'm jus who i am that time..
who knows..
and u said u got a bit regreted for choosing this way..
but i think u shouldn't..
meeting people here is great..
think of the memories here and it's worth..
thanks for telling me that i'm like that..
wish to get more from u..
don jus keep it and i will take serious consideration about what u say..

dependence

2010-05-05T10:52:00.000-07:00

suddenly feel that everything is out of control..
maybe u wil think i'm weird..
but sometimes i jus make myself down..
nothing happens but seem i have addicted to this feeling..
maybe i feel myself that time..
and i think i always discuss my problem with people..
like i'm not mature enough to deal with my own stuff..
and i think it causes troubles for my friends..
let it be the time i keep my mouth shut and solve it..

confusing..

2010-05-02T09:59:00.000-07:00

another problem again..
jus knew it tonight..
they bought thomas cup ticket for me on friday next week..
cause i supposed to go back home this week but now it's next week..
means the time crush together..
what to do..
i must go back next week as v'll celebrate mother's day that time..
though i might go back this week too..
but if i don go for thomas cup it seems so kesian with my friend..
cause she is the only one going with a pair of couple..
and i'm too cruel to say no..
if i go back on saturday,
it will be so tiring for me and it must be so busy..
since i wanna cut my 'orang utan' hair and get my new sim card at digi centre..
tel me what to do..

boring weekend again!!!

2010-05-02T03:11:00.001-07:00

finally can online..
i tried different ways to online yesterday but i just didnt get it..
and now,
i'm stealing people line for it..
what a shame..
last friday was just a great day for me..
i borrowed my friend's phone for the whole day(she got extra one)
and i did what i wanted to do for the whole week..
i remembered i felt bad those few days..
as i was homesick-ing and i felt stressed..
stress from the environment here..
people are so 'terror' here and they don't even rest their mind after school..
they jus go on without stopping..
study is all, here..
i really don't want to be like them..
i'm tired..
but seem that i'm those who easily influenced by people..
chew used to advice me last time..
i remembered..
but i don't have phone now to ask somebody to remind me..
life jus goes on this way..

that day, i called and i sms..
felt relieved..
long time i didnt hear my family's voice..
and how soothing it was..
last time before i lost my phone..
i don't really always call home too..
cause even if i call also nothing to say..
but it seemed to be long long week to wait to call my family and friends..
thanks a jie..
for borrowing me phone..
and thanks those who spend time with me that day..
i really appreciate it so much..
but sorry a sook wei..
forgot your phone number..
i'm confused with your 3,4,7..
haha..
but felt sad a bit la that day..
cause i thought i can go back home to celebrate mother's day next week..
but after i called my brother..
he said he has exam then only will back after 2 weeks..
have to wait for 2 more weeks?!
how cruel it is for me..
but maybe will go back next week by myself..
like cant tahan here..
this weekend jus sucked..
damn boring and don't feel to study at all..
what to do..
haiz..

and juniors coming in this week..
supposed to be a nice week ba..
hope so..
cause i don't want to be soaked in this stressful and boring environment anymore..
i want to be home..
hope will get through this week well..

gloomy

2010-04-21T03:13:00.000-07:00

i lost my phone today..
jus in 2 hours after i left my phone in classroom..
i know it's my own fault and i was careless..
and now i have to pay for my own mistake..
what i feel sad is that i have to go through life without musics and messages..
the one who comprehend me enough will know that it's so so so important for me..
i write my feeling inside..
i text friends when i feel boring..
i listen to musics when i'm blue..
inside got so much memories, wishes and blesses..
and i lost it..
suck..
i can't even imagine life after this..
already fed up with the routine life here everyday..
it's hell for me enough..
and now lost my phone some more..
it's 'hell+hell' life..
don't even want to join others..
just stay alone..
and nobody cares..
who can understand..
i mean who never experience it will never understand the feeling..
just hope can get rid of this feeling soon..
bless me..

*pls send my wishes to bao bao whose birthday is tomorrow for whom read this post.. i promised to send her wishes but now.... tel her i'm sorry for last time ya.. happy birthday..

nothing

2010-04-12T10:36:00.001-07:00

feel not so good..
friends getting into troubles and seem i can do nothing here..
can even relieve their pain..
so went to play badminton like mad..
jus feel worried..
i think i should only focus on my studies..

simply nonsense

2010-04-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

it's a boring weekend..
don't even know what to do..
since only bit have been taught and no money to spend for other entertainment..
quite a free weekend..
but today my bro came to take me for dinner..
supposed to bring me to klang for 'bak kut teh'..
but jus keep driving around shah alam..
then ended up to a nearby restaurant to have our dinner..
then v talked quite a lot la..
and the strange question he asked is when will i go japan..
funny question..
and i asked him don't come again as it's so troublesome..
he said nevermind la..
not much chance too..
what a sad answer..
haiz.....
cant do anything about it also..
jus go on with my life now..
but jus felt happy that something special came to me when i fed up with those books which i don't know which one to touch..
suddenly feel quite scared that things seem difficult gradually..
i know i just haven't get inured to the new things..
but don't worry, i'm ok..
remember time passes through tough moment..
i mean sure i can get through it..

it's started..

2010-04-07T09:04:00.000-07:00

got my result..
need to talk about the japanese result first..
actually not much difference with my marks before..
but the ranking is lower..
quite surprised to get 47/50 for my essay and 40/50 for my oral..
never ever think that i'll get this marks..
as i thought i did really bad for oral..
quite sad la got such a bad ranking..
then today got the overall ranking which include science subjects and english..
and my ranking went up..
not bad with those subjects and if i'm not mistaken..
i got highest for english and chemistry..
and the one which pull me down is physics..
as i said many times before,
i did hard work for it and understand its concept..
but just like it's all out of my expectation..
how low was my mark as compared to the highest mark..
but nevermind..
i told myself before..
never give up..
and even this time i can't score..
i still have next time..
if i keep on working with perseverance and patience..
i can score one day..
i will never want to be looked down by you guys..
don't try to provoke me..
and most important..
i got the support from my respectful teacher..
i don't want to repeat so many times but she is really indeed a good teacher who can give strength to me..
and now i'm no more taught by her..
now i'm a second year student and all teachers change..
need to get used to the new teachers and their teaching style..
because of their difficult vocabularies and amazing speaking speech..
we can barely catch up what they say in class..
but teachers keep on telling us that we just haven't get used to it..
just like the first time we came here..
going to be lots of challenge and poignant moments probably..
pls be tough..

向日葵クラスだった皆さん。sem2文法テストは向日葵クラスが４クラスの中で１番になりましたよ。頑張りましたね。わたしもうれしい。

うれしい時にも涙が出るんです。さんはいつも高い目標を持っていて素晴らしいね。まだ９ヶ月あるから頑張り過ぎないように自分のpaceで。

ありがとう。お互いに後悔しない２０１０にしましょうね。

it's the messages my teacher sent me and i should always remember what i had promised. help yourself before anybody does..

a new beginning

2010-04-04T01:17:00.000-07:00

i'm back..
back to college life which i hate..
but it's ok..
i'm trying to learn how to think positively..
trying...
and during this holidays i have learnt a lot..
though most of the time i stay at home and do the same things..
and just wanna say..
this blog can no longer express the real feeling of mine..
think a lot about friends..
feel disappointed about some..
but feel happy about some..
i always want to thank those who are there to remind me they will be by my side..
really feel touched that though they are not always with me last time..
v used to build a strong bond..
and yesterday i did realize that how lucky i'm..
i have lots of sweet and incredible memories within me..
really a lot..
and what i'm hoping for..
i really get lots more than others..
i can't beg for more..
those who are not worth it..
just don't waste time..
take time with those who really treat you nice and sincerely..
and i know it clear..
who i should feel thankful and grateful to..
and thanks..
actually when i think of the memories you guys gave me..
really feel to sms you guys to tell how much i care..
but doesn't it seem strange..
but i'll try to..
i think everybody will be happy if you get message which is from the heart of your friends..
i'll..
and i'm not alone..

truth

2010-03-21T02:03:00.000-07:00

again..
lost hope..
means what i hold inside my mind i gave up..
u might not know what i mean..
i think chew do..
maybe u don know how i feel..
cause u have it..
could not ask for more..
as i know..
i can feel what's real and what's fake..
no need to say anymore..
as i feel it..

addition

2010-03-08T01:01:00.000-08:00

it's one of the photo of our farewell party.. can see me a?

it's the boys groups.. notice that they were all wearing red clothes.. that's the day v took picture for our class photo and as a celebration since its one day before the cny's break..

girls group with only 5 members.. introduce them first.. sitting at the sides of teacher are jie and athirah.. jie is the one who hang out with me always.. always bully her,haha.. besides me is mei shen, a cute gal who always makes fool with my face ==" then its iki and meeya.. meeya is a malay who doesn't look like a malay =="

ya that's all i wanna add to my last post.. oh.. introduce u guys an anime.. i like it so much.. it's 'reborn'.. got a long name la but mention this will get to find it.. it's really cool.. k then.. see u guys..

おわかれかい

2010-03-05T05:05:00.000-08:00

今天是我班 - ひまわり, 也就是向日葵，的farewell party..
毕竟今天是我们一年级生的最后一天，
明年便是二年级生了，
就是说明年会跟不一样的老师和同学一起上课，
时间过得好快哦！！！
今天真得真得很开心，
过了一个不一样的派对，
在班上有人在做汤圆，
有人做cendol，
其他人就这里帮一些那边帮一下，
能看得出每个人都很享受。
然后就开始咯！！！
首先就是要发表自己对这一年的感受，
给老师吓到一下，
突然要我们发感言=="
然后就是颁奖之类的小仪式，
我拿到了一个写着‘必胜’的扇子，
突然间感到精力充沛，
那就好像是老师给的鼓励。
然后老师就告诉我们关于日本的某些特别日子，
还教我们做帽子，玩得蛮开心的。
过后当然是吃啦！！！
我们还帮老师庆祝生日，
虽然今天不是老师的生日，
你知道日本人不喜欢告诉别人太多私人的东西，
真的看到老师连眼睛都不见了（本来眼睛也没很大），
哈哈哈哈哈！！！
她说这是他第一次跟学生一起庆祝生日，
够特别了吧，是我的‘鬼主意’叻。
真的超超超超喜欢她，
她真是一位非常非常好的老师，
不知道要怎么说，
真得太好了！！！
只想对她说声谢谢，老师，辛苦你了！！！
可惜的是，她今年可能要回日本了，
但她今天对我们说，
她希望看到我们很开心地告诉她，
我们都能去日本留学了，
所以可能会留下继续教书，
虽然那已经不是我们了。
其他老师也一样，
他们跟马来西亚的老师不同的地方是，
他们真的有着那一份心意，
要去教好每一位学生，
去爱每一位学生，
去看着每一位学生的成长。
在他们心中总能看到那一团火，
而你也能找到你自己心中的那一团火。
他们总会一直在鼓励你，
就算你做的没那么好，他们也会说一些话来安慰你，开解你。
希望你不会因此而责怪自己或失去自信，
这种老师哪里找。
我会尽我能力去实现自己的梦想，
老师说，
你现在可能还没找到自己的方向，
但一步步走下去就会慢慢看到你的未来，
最重要是做好现在你必须做的事，
也要享受过程，要有梦想，梦想高一些也无所谓，
就是不能放弃，要相信只要你不放弃，
你就能达到目的地，
多辛苦也不能放弃，
绝对不能！！！
我会尽能力去做到，因为这都是老师们的鼓励！！！
‘伊藤先生’说，
有乐就有苦，
这是她给我的话，
可能平时在日记中记载了太多的悲伤，
不过我会记住的，
我会带着你们的精神，
往日本前进，不会放弃。

还有，今天读了kwan qiao 寄来的mail,
那一刻真得很开心，
还记得我，不错嘛！！！
告诉了我最近在那边的生活，
真得越来越想念你们啦，
哈哈！！！
放心，我一定一定不会让自己失败，
就算失败了就再站起来，
一定会去找你们，
除非那时的我们已经变成‘熟悉的陌生人’。
看吧，命运，就是变幻无常。。。

final ended

2010-03-03T08:18:00.000-08:00

haiz..
finally get through with my final..
actually not really finish my exam since tomorrow still have one more conversation test..
which i cant deal with..
everytime also like tat..
now really don have much mood to write about anything..
suddenly mood down..

相逢恨晚

2010-02-24T14:14:00.000-08:00

要走的始终还是走了，
是缘份吧。。。

final's coming!

2010-02-23T02:15:00.000-08:00

haiz..
did bad in my weekly test today again..
don know y leh..
but i think i really squeeze my mind for it..
but still cant get it..
maybe i should take it easy as i did my best..
and from now on will start my busy life..
since final's coming and tonnes to cover..
but i should say that its not too much than i expect..
but really fed up with the routine life which everything's rushing..
2 weeks will past soon and i can go by to enjoy my hometown life for 1 month..
can't even wait for it..
and take care for them who are going to fly tomorrow..
feel sad too not able to make there to see u guys..
goodbye..

untitled

2010-02-19T08:25:00.000-08:00

gotta write something but i have no idea what to write about..
maybe it's not the time..
and tomorrow might have a gathering with my ex-colleagues..
which i had bad memories with..
one day v made appointment to have gathering like tomorrow..
but then something happened and i was like idiot once..
that's why im considering whether to join tomorrow..
so pls forgive me that i can never confirm whether i wil go tomorrow..
jus a terribly terrible memory to me..
and it has been the same time at the same place..
can i just forget what i had experienced when i reach there..
maybe i'm not mature enough to take it..

role play

2010-02-10T08:25:00.000-08:00

today jus had my role play..
though i made lots of mistakes but i think stil ok..
our concepts made people laugh..
but i think its a bit long..
anyway v did it but of course v r disappointed not being chosen as the representative of the class..
i saw the expression from my group members..
as they really tried hard for it..
but that's a lesson to learn that things might not turn out as wat u think..
as wat u worked for..
jus tat..
and haiz..
facing something which is a serious topic i think..
its death..
wat a terrible word..
it's been a long time tat i didnt face it..
i mean with my own relatives..
what can i and wat should i feel right now..
recently problems like rushing into my mind..
or im jus emphasizing them..
or im jus too focus on my own feeling and am stubborn to make a slight change..
i think this feeling wil continue anyway..........

frustrated

2010-02-09T14:35:00.000-08:00

im freaking out!!!
feel to curse those who r in love..
u can love your own bf or gf but pls don get us into your business..
and have to say that i hate those bf who only cares for their own gf..
as a gentleman u should be gentle to other girls too but not only to your beloved gf only..
that's silly..
i hate tis..
when wil you all wake up?
pls don live in your own world..
frustrated..
y v need to take things v don like..
cant v jus say no or tel the one tat v don wan to take it..
pls consider of others when you wan to do something..
maybe i don too but i hate those now..

speechless

2010-02-07T01:49:00.000-08:00

jus back from home..
have to claim tat most of the time i went back is wonderful..
but of course not in the term of academic..
everytime i go back sure i didnt even touch my book..
k this weekend except watched tv,
made biscuits with my mum til about 10 then jus went for our dinner..
great isn't it?
in between from the words of my mum,
feel helpless..
jus too much feeling..
its too much..
and im helpless..
but wat else can v do..
its the fate..
jus keep on listening to her and try my best to go back as frequent as possible..
like it or not..
its the fact already..
haiz..
and the coming problem is the role play..
everybody knows that i don know how to act de la..
their idea is good and i jus don wan to ruin their plan lo..
whatever la..
will be ok i think..
look forward to the gathering..
and wish u guys HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!

annoying

2010-02-03T14:31:00.000-08:00

have to declare first that im not going to criticize my roommate..
as she's really good but i jus wanna express some of my feeling..
the biggest problem is that she set her alarm early in the morning..
but she wil never get up her own self regardless of the annoying alarm..
ironically, the one who is being woken up is me..
hate that every morning when i stil wanna have my dream then suddenly i have been waken..
sometimes wil be early but sometimes wil be jus the normal 'wake up' time..
and the funny thing is..
when she wake up she wil claim that y her alarm didn't ring though she had set a few..
sometimes really feel annoyed..
i don wan everyday im waken with a bad mood and surely my mood wil continue the whole day..
of course sometimes i did like her too but made no difference..
she cant hear it surely since she cant even hear hers one..
and i think final coming and my stress is greater..
jus wanna to have somebody..
whoever..

random

2010-02-02T14:34:00.000-08:00

no mood to study..
not sure whether is the thing happened to make me feel this way..
or i'm really tired for the few days ago i really slept late..
or i'm really bored with the lessons which are getting more challenging and i need to spend lots of time to scrutinize it..
jus lets deal with it..

clandestine raider of time

2010-01-29T08:25:00.000-08:00

have to say sorry to chew first..
cause today postponed my appointment with him to chat online..
actually i went to chat with my friends who r going to fly..
i know i don have much chance..
they r going to leave this week and after that..
i don know how long v wil meet again..
even if v meet again the feeling is not the same anymore..
even jus now it's strange..
its too much i wan to say but i can say nothing..
too much feeling i was thinking tat time..
i was thinking that i have to face the same thing again when i was form 5..
have to face the fact of life..
have to face the cruelty of time..
have to face the loneliness..
have to face everything..
who will understand wat im feeling right now..
but i jus enjoy it..
many things are out of control..
when things happen out of your expectation,
u can do nothing..
u can jus stand there and pray..
pray for something u wish its coming..
when u feel to say something but the situation is not suitable..
jus hide it inside your deep heart..
where no one can find..
then squeeze it into pieces..
throw it into your stomach and digest it..
let it be the unwanted and propel it out from your body..
haiz..
talking nonsense again..
v r all helpless, remember?
wish that v can stil keep in touch though v r far apart..
some ever asked shall i forget them after they fly..
they always asked in a playful mode so i don know whether u guys are serious or jus simply ask..
but i wanna say is..
i won't..
for sure..
for me, u guys are special..
which i never expected i can find in INTEC..
so for me,
it's already a gift..
but human is greedy and they want more always..
so jus whatever..
i don't really wish that u guys can remember me..
as i know..
as time goes and distance's growing..
people used to forget..
people used to change..
i would never make such a greedy wish..
jus all the best and wish u all go through the obstacles with dignity..
blesses...

homesick-ing

2010-01-28T03:27:00.001-08:00

haiz..
one week has almost passed..
tomorrow will have my maths test and it burdens me..
i mean i haven master some of the topics..
and im dying for it..
no matter how i squeeze my mind i cant think of a solution..
jus try my best tonight..
and i made a tough decision not to go back home this week..
really wanna go home so much..
maybe because of the stress here..
final coming and everytime i did bad for my weekly test..
slept early that i did nothing..
really serious..
jus wanna go home..

great night

2010-01-23T17:14:00.000-08:00

yesterday had the 'maggi feast' with them..
it's cool though it's just maggi..
v had carrot, cabbage with us..
though the carrot's bit raw..
haha.. but i like it!!!
thanks our chefs khai xin and jie xin..
really feel grateful that i had my happiest dinner since i came here..
i mean dinner i took here la..
mean to share some photo but due to technical problem..
maybe next time..
and out of my expectation..
i got my first birthday present..
it's a letter from khai xin..
damn surprised..
and be told not to open it till my birthday..
stil long time wei..
but i wil keep my promise and respect wat u told me..
i won open it til that day..
will wait patiently..
and i watched the role play they did for their presentation..
it's damn cool man..
very very funny and i pay my respect to u all..
if that's me i'm sure i cant do it..
will get the copy soon and hope to share..
see u..

psycho

2010-01-22T09:49:00.000-08:00

Tokio Hotel - World Behind My Wall

It's raining today
The blinds are shut it's always the same
i tried all the games that they play
but they made me insane
life on TV
it's random but means nothing to me
i'm writing down what i cannot see
wanna wake up in a dream

owow
they're telling me it's beautiful
i believe them but will i ever know
the world behind my wal
owow
the sun will shine like never before
one day i wil be ready to go
to see the world behind my wall

trains in the sky
are travelling through fragments of time
they're taking me to parts of my mind
that no one can find

i'm ready to fall
i'm ready to crawl on my knees to know it all
i'm ready to heal
i'm ready to feel

that's a part of the song and this song means something to me..
cause there's memories behind..
and i like the song so much with its heart-wrenching lyrics and melody..
it touches me..
a few hours before jus had dinner for the graduation of seniors..
like usual..
i was emo again..
i really hate this part of me..
i wonder y i'll be like tat..
and i kept quiet when everybody's excited taking photo around..
i hate taking photo after i came here..
it might be some reasons that im repressing in my unconscious mind..
that i don wan to admit..
i wonder..
am i really a bad friend..
see it's about friends again..
or im thinking too much..
or im too selfish that i wan to have it all by myself..
i wish i can get rid of it and it won bother me again..
but it jus comes automatically..
i tried hard to squeeze a smiling face..
to pretend there's nothing wrong..
but who cares..
i jus feel frail and fragile..
i wanna to tel somebody..
but who else..
maybe last time i was too relied on somebody that now i cant take it by myself..
i cant cure myself..
sometimes i think i deserve it..
but i jus don have the luck..
i ever mentioned..
i jus let my emotion control me all the times..
i jus let it flow..
really hope to find someone who always stands by me and share with me..
i'm desperate..
i don know how much more i have to take..
i don know how to make a change..
i have no ideas..
i don wan to expect..
which might not be the way i figure..
totally lost in my mind..
if i can get the one..
im willing to give up the others..
quality means more to me than quantities..
i really don know how to take it alone anymore..
im tired of thinking and facing the same things..
and people know i like psychology..
maybe my aim is not helping others but myself..
maybe im not trying to understand others but myself..
will be a psycho soon..

lame

2010-01-20T07:08:00.000-08:00

jus pass by to write something happened today..
this evening v supposed to have a singing practice for seniors' dinner..
but guess what..
v had waited for about half an hour and yet not everybody came..
not even 50%..
i used to predict this as i knew many stayed at school to help to do something else..
but everybody knew that there would be a practice and pls make it in time for it..
even if u cant come pls inform..
u all have no right to get us waiting there like idiots..
i hate it u know..
pls make sure which one is more important..
and pls don pretend like nothing happened when u see us..
stil wanna ask whether v practiced this evening or not..
i really don know how to face u all..
i feel that im fake..
do i stil need to smile at u all though im fed up with your attitude..
and pls respect the one who sms u all for the practice and the one who handle it..
do u all know how hurt and disappointed is that to see nobody's coming..
really feel to tel u all..
but i think its stil the same..
i try hard to think that u all really have some good reasons for not coming..
and i think that helping to do something at school is not a good excuse..
as others can help too even u all don go there..
but if u all don go for the practice it wil be canceled..
and that's all..
it's canceled like wat u all wishing..
there's nothing left to say..

happy weekend

2010-01-17T04:14:00.000-08:00

haiz..
finally get back to my dorm..
something bad happened tat i was so frustrated and made me come back here late..
hate it..
but i was surprised by wat i did too..
i never expect that i'll have tat courage to do such thing..
anyway its all over..
let me share the weekend i spared at my home..
sorry to my menglembu friends tat i didnt tel i was back..

friday
its a great day indeed though something happened..
after school i went to celebrate a malay's birthday and rush to the bus stop with yee xin..
glad to help her to take her luggage and im sure she will be tired to death if she's carrying them alone..
then i went back to my campus to chat with khai xin..
saw something..
she wrote some sentimental lyrics on the white board and the situation seemed awkward..
since she don't like to show her own self in front of the others..
whatever..
then i walked to bus stop with her and i had lots of fun..
making fool with her..
haha..
then i spend the whole night watching dvd..

saturday
again i spend the whole day watching tv and did nothing..
at evening i taught my cousin to ride bicycle too..
shameful la already standard 5 also don know how to ride bicycle..
haha. then i had a small chat with my cousins and it's great..
and i watched a great though unrealistic movie..
its 'accepted'..
its about a guy who don want to disappoint his parents..
create a fake letter and website that he is accepted by a college..
then they have to continue their lie to find a place which is then renovated to seem like a college..
long long story but i think the theme of the movie is..
to emphasize that learning is not only like those systematic educational system or whatsoever..
its doing something u really like and learn from the process..
there students can be the teachers..
they are all masters in their profession..
then i wrote my diary and suddenly send a stupid message to khai xin..
haha..
hope u won mind..

sunday
made 'kuih kapet' with my mum and aunty..
great wei..
seem that i had spend quite a lot of time with my family this weekend..
yeah..

and that's all la..
but feel so lazy liao..
always lazing around and didnt study at all..
haiz..
wil try hard to fix this..
bye

ahn-young-ha-seh-yo

2010-01-13T03:46:00.001-08:00

i finally share the wireless with my roommates la..
cant imagine how much time i'll spend..
lately i just don have mood and strength for studies..
lagging behind..
and im writing this post for my beloved friends who are going to fly to korea..
they are really important to me indeed..

嗯，其实也不懂要写些什么。。
也不懂我的华语是否能像你们所说的那样。。
i mean不一样感觉啦。。
其实我真的觉得很幸运能认识到你们，
虽然说得有点俗，
但这确实是我的感受，
从第一次遇到凯欣再认识你们，
虽然我忘了那过程是如何，
但能确定的是，
我真得很珍惜跟你们一起的每一分每一秒，
我也不懂该怎么解释，
但跟你们混在一起时会觉得很舒服，很开心，
喜欢听凯欣的广东式华语，
喜欢巧彦迟钝的笑声，
喜欢沂芯呆呆的傻样，
喜欢洁杏要吃不要吃的样子（on diet),
真得很喜欢你们，
老实说，
这是我第一次面对这么远的分离，
虽然只认识了七八个月，
但就很奇怪，我超喜欢粘着你们，
喜欢时不时就去找你们谈天，吃饭，
其实我觉得跟你们一起比跟我在这里的朋友开心得多，
是真的，
但你们就要飞了，
会有不舍，
你们也会不舍得我吧？
以后我在这里不开心时，
也不能去找你们谈天了，
都得自己面对，
其实早就知道要面对跟你们分离的时候，
只是想不到时间过得那么快，
真的不想面对，
无奈，但只能祝福你们，
干年后一定要再见，
愿你们一路顺风，
我也一定会去韩国找你们，
你们也一定要去找我，
最重要是，
别忘了我们的maggi大餐，
能在分离之前聚一聚，
对我而言是件幸福的事，
会期待着。
谢谢。。。
nice to meet you..

2010-01-10T22:10:00.000-08:00

finally i get here..
sorry to mention tat im using the school net..
slow man..
k first of all gonna talk about the chat with them that night..
bit far from wat i expect..
cause this time was not solely chat..
but watching tv shows while chatting..
that means cant really chat a lot..
i rather to meet them on the street coincidentally..
v chat more in tat situation..
anyway i enjoyed the night too..
cause i get to spare some time with them before they leave..
though i might not be that important for them..
or it might be the fact..
but i still feel comfortable being with them..
its real..
they are someone who i wil go for them myself..
and normally i dont do so to others..
k good luck to u guys and wish that u all can fly to korea and have your wonderful life there..
then im going to talk about the camp i went last weekend..
em frankly the first night i really felt to go back home..
guess what..
the 'washroom' there is horrible..
we have to take bath together and the toilet's door cant be closed!!!!
what a terrible thing i met..
i felt that i didnt bath for 3 days u know..
cause i waited until they all finished bath then i'll go there to bath with my clothes on..
haiz..
'unforgettable' memories..
the second day i had jungle trekking..
which was not as challenging as the camp i went before..
then snorkeling and 'kayak-ing'
its tiring but stil ok la..
not too bad..
then at night v got performance and my group was assigned to dance..
walao..
what a joke..
jus forgot about it..
and i think not bad la to go for tat camp..
at least i get to know what leaders really look like..
and i get to know friends from different courses..
though its not tat close but whatever la..
again have to mention my weekly test today..
i did terribly bad..
cant even get wat the tape said and i jus simply circled the answer..
i really don dare to face it the time i get back my papers..
haiz..
but i found out something this morning..
that a truly successful man wil think positively always..
and what for v think negatively about everything..
like suddenly wake up..
but im not sure i can do it..
haha..
k la..
bye and take care

frustrated

2010-01-06T21:13:00.000-08:00

this morning really really felt bad..
now i think its ok..
tomorrow have to go for a camp at pulau pangkor..
from here v have to take 4.5 hrs to reach there..
really don feel to go..
hate tis..
must be so tiring..
and most of them are malays..
im sure more or less got something related to their religion or wat..
i just hate when everybody is laughing while the chinese don even know what they say..
i mean when they speak in arabic..
plus next monday got weekly test..
what for to go there..
say like so interesting but then in the schedule jus got one outdoor activities i think..
in the jungle again..
haiz..
don't know y the one who is going with me seem so excited for it..
maybe she wan to be the committee..
forgot to mention that its a leader training camp to select committee for the kolej v stay..
i don really aim for it..
and since its leader training camp so mostly are speech i think..
really fed up with it..
some more its not with people of the same course..
and just like being cheated..
different people say different things..
some say its compulsory for the one who selected but some just..
damn it..
i jus go and i'll see is it really good as wat they said..
jus whatever..
and something i feel happy..
tonight im going to chat with my korean programme friends..
already made appointment..
sad to say that they have only one month here and gotta fly to korea in february..
im going to lose the only one who i can confide to..
or the one who can cheer me up..
does it mean my life wil become tougher after that..
anyway i think its the last time v wil have a random chat..
as they r going to face their final soon..
really look forward to it..
hope tonight wil be a great night..
can say tat long time i don have fun here..
i don care if i really waste time chatting as i can only appreciate which might be the last time..
see u guys..

random

2010-01-05T01:28:00.000-08:00

jus pass by to say something..
i got physics result and it sucks..
i never got such a low marks..
wats happening to me..
i really don know wat to think as others did read the exercises that teacher gave while i didnt..
means tat the questions given are exactly the same as the exam..
ya.. am i really tat bad..
or i have no talent at all..
i swear i really gave a lot of hard work to this subject but then it jus let me down..
in the homework i jus wrote i wan to get 80 or above for this subject and i wan to be the top 5..
but now....
im just speechless..
jus let it be..
and the happy thing is today ito sensei comment something about the homework v did one by one personally..
which is '2009's memories' and '2010's wishes'..
she said that she had fun reading what i wrote always as i wrote my own thought and feeling inside..
and i think she felt my stress or whatsoever that she asked me about my studies way and are my parents strict in my studies..
she is really a great teacher who cares for her students and does all for them..
i have such a great luck to get a teacher like her..
but she ever said she wanna go back to japan this year and stop teaching here..
such a bad news for the coming batch..
k jus let's get it over with..
bye

2010

2009-12-31T06:09:00.000-08:00

recommend one song here first..
its green day - 21 guns..
im stucked to it..
green day's songs always drive me crazy..

do you know what's worth fighting for
when it's not worth dying for
does it take your breath away
and you're feeling yourself suffocating

does the pain weigh out the pride
and you look for a place to hide
did someone break your heart inside
you're in ruins

one 21 guns
lay down your arms
give up the fight
one 21 guns
throw up your arms into the sky
you and i

when you're at the end of the road
and you lost all sense of control
and your thoughts have taken their toll
when your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

your faith walks on broken glass
and the hangover doesn't pass
nothing's ever built to last
you are in ruins

one 21 guns
lay down your arms
give up the fight
one 21 guns
throw up your arms into the sky
you and i

and it's time to live and let die
and you cant get another try
something inside this heart has died
you're in ruins

going to be a brand new year..
just now just have high spirit for the new year..
mean to throw all the bad things and work hard for a better me..
but right now..
spirit down..
got my result and it's dropped..
what to say..
nothing to say lo..
just keep on telling myself not to care and do it better another time..
i was succeed to console myself just now but...
called home and asked whether i can go malacca tomorrow..
feel guilty that i don't go back home but to some where else..
some more result dropped..
i know there must be an up and down for exam..
but i feel ashamed to talk about my result to my parents..
they have quite a high expectation to me..
im just so envy those who take it so easy..
im sorry im not the one..
i cant do my work if im in the right mood..
plus these few something is haunting me..
really feel suffered for that..
really don wan to be pessimistic..
haiz..
somoone can jus take it so easy but he or she will get excellent result..
i think my life is not only about studies..
but then i really care for it..
just hope that in a new coming year..
i won't be suffering for the same things again..
i want to make bad things get away from my life..
i want to learn how to take life easy..
just remember i make wishes here..
just to remind myself..
that i have dreams..

back to where i don't want to be

2009-12-26T22:10:00.000-08:00

haiz..
3 weeks holidays going to end and will be going back to shah alam later..
crazy life there..
and it's time to leave everything behind..
concentrate on my studies..
but i wish to get more gathering my sem break next time..
don't u all think that v have less and less gathering lately..
don't forget our promise after 5 years..
take care my friends..

gloomy christmas

2009-12-25T08:14:00.000-08:00

haiz...
today's mood is strange.. or bad..
always wan to write something..
but then i don know where to start..
i feel that its heavy behind my back..
always lingering between what can i do and what should or shouldn't i do..
i will ask..
what for i keep all those things..
i swear not to think or care about it..
cause i have no ways..
but then i cant do it..
im not able to..
maybe just for a short while..
after my holidays all will go back to normal..
as im busy dealing with my studies..
maybe............